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"Knock knock."Who's there?"To"To who?"To whom."
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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."The guy says OK, and drives away.The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"Comment
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A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you."Grasshopper says "YOU HAVE A DRINK NAMED STEVE?"
A beetle walks into a bar, John Lennon says "Hey, we have a band named after you."Beetle says "YOU HAVE A BAND NAMED ERIC?"Comment
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Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my red shirt!'' The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock Bravo led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.Later on that day, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, they was victorious over the two ships.That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo.As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the horizon. The first mate asked, "Shall I bring your red shirt?"Captain Bravo calmly replied, ''No. Get me my brown pantsComment
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A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."When its hot in the jungle of peace I go swimming in the ocean of love.....Comment
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked "How long before I Can get a
haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long
before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours'.
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before
I can get a haircut?’
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and
see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he
never comes back'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The Barber
asked "So where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "YOUR HOUSE"!!!!!!Comment
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Some of Rodney Dangerfield’s famous one liners:
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate
yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a
bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes
started to attack her.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end
of it.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender
asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture
of my wife.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me
from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the
guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home
early."
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor,
every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's
wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a
second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!Comment
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An Airline introduced a special package for Business men, buy your ticket, get
your wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the
wives asking how was the trip. All of them gave a same reply..."What trip?"
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her
husband who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen,
calls her husband with the new number.
"Hello Darling"
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.
In an African Safari, a Lion suddenly bounced on Max's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
MAX: Yes, Yes. I'm changing the battery of my camera.
Husband was throwing knives at wife’s picture. All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU"
A lady to doctor: My husband has the habit of talking in his sleep! What should
I give him to cure?
Dr. Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.
Having a "WIFE" is a part of "living"...
But having a "GIRLFRIEND" along with the "WIFE" is "art of living".
Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to
sway around & no one teaches how to choose a wife, NATURAL DISASTERS
JUST HAPPEN.
Judge: “Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Defendant: Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting a
man every week.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping
pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!Comment
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A sloth was walking down the street and was robbed by a gang of turtles.
The police asked what happened. The sloth said "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
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Originally posted by CeaBee View Post
because I can see two silly boys cracking up over this joke
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I thought this was hilarious, for those who haven't seen it, a man's wife was telling him a corny joke while drunk and he taped her then animated the joke. I laughed and laughed....
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me read this from yesterday and it still corny today
it not funny like this joke:
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine.Last edited by CeaBee; 05-21-2013, 04:35 PM.Comment
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Chinese researchers invented an anti-thief machine aimed at capturing thieves in record time. They took it around the world for a test drive:- [*=1]In Botswana the machine caught 5 thieves in 5 minutes.
[*=1]In Canada it caught 10 thieves in 10 minutes.
[*=1] In the US the machine caught 15 thieves in 15 minutes.
The researchers took it to Jamaica for a final test. The machine was stolen in 3 minutes.
A version of this joke told by Jamaican construction workers in this video
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- [*=1]In Botswana the machine caught 5 thieves in 5 minutes.
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Bought a gallon of white out.... Big mistake....Comment
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