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oldies but goodies
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all
afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM .
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying
bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The
joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the
father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'Not this time!'
3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz ,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz ,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with
such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his
briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
' Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her
husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said, ' pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she
replied,
'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have
this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir , that'll be one
cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender
replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, ' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in
peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied,
' now just rest
and let the poison work.'
.. A man and his wife received a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:
My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: "Please take only one drop"NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion..The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first." So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger. A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young. The daughter is delighted and asks about her father. "Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle."
"So where is he?"
"Oh, that's him I have on my back
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all
afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM .
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying
bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The
joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the
father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'Not this time!'
3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz ,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz ,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with
such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his
briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
' Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her
husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said, ' pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she
replied,
'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have
this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir , that'll be one
cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender
replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, ' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in
peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied,
' now just rest
and let the poison work.'
.. A man and his wife received a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:
My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: "Please take only one drop"NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion..The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first." So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger. A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young. The daughter is delighted and asks about her father. "Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle."
"So where is he?"
"Oh, that's him I have on my back
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