Tweet
NEW RULES FOR ENTERING ALBERTA
1. Bring your own house.
2. If going to the Oil Sands, or Edmonton, or Calgary, bring your own house, school and hospital.
3. If going to Edmonton, wear your flak jacket. This is the murder capital of Canada. Darn! I thought Winnipeg was!
4. If driving to Edmonton, BE AWARE it is also the auto theft centre of Canada. Darn! I thought Winnipeg was!
5. If you are bringing drugs, head to West Edmonton Mall, one of the drug capitals of Canada.
6. If you are looking for work, look no further. Minimum wage is $8.00/hour.
7. If you work downtown, parking costs $10.00/hour.
8. If you are able to buy a house in Calgary, why not spend the money on a 15 year holiday ?
9. If you drive a Hummer, look out. We sit amongst the highest gas prices in Canada. (So much for The Alberta Advantage)
10. In Edmonton we have 5 hospitals. 10 years ago we had 7. In Calgary (Alberta's largest city), we have three hospitals, plus a Children's and a Veteran's hospital, and one hospital under construction. 10 years ago we had eight. Don't come here sick.
11. In Calgary, the population has exploded. Calgary is a no-parking zone everywhere but on the roads, which are parking zones for much of each day.
THE NEW RULES FOR DRIVING IN EDMONTON or CALGARY:
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city names, they are: "E-MIN-TIN" or "CAL-GREE".
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On the QE2 (Emintin to Calgree Autobon), you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming in for a landing at the airports. Anything less is considered "Wussy".
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Alberta now has its own version of traffic rules. For example, the biggest vehicle goes first, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go next at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go third. However, any vehicle with visible hockey gear, and any SUV-driving, cell phone-talking mom, anywhere in Alberta, ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and, possibly, shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever! Seriously! It's another offence that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in both Calgary and Edmonton. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more construction starts everyday. Ramps to-and-from main roads are closed indiscriminately, so everyone can get to see different parts of the city while driving in the wrong direction, looking for a road that goes in the general direction you intended to go.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, bears, deer, barrels, cows, horses, mattresses, shredded tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows ... and coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Calgary Trail, Edmonton Trail, Gateway Boulevard, Deerfoot Trail, Highway 2, and the QE2, are all the same road.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated" and will confuse other motorists.
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 km zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candle and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is virtually non-existent, until it disappears during the spring thaw.
1. Bring your own house.
2. If going to the Oil Sands, or Edmonton, or Calgary, bring your own house, school and hospital.
3. If going to Edmonton, wear your flak jacket. This is the murder capital of Canada. Darn! I thought Winnipeg was!
4. If driving to Edmonton, BE AWARE it is also the auto theft centre of Canada. Darn! I thought Winnipeg was!
5. If you are bringing drugs, head to West Edmonton Mall, one of the drug capitals of Canada.
6. If you are looking for work, look no further. Minimum wage is $8.00/hour.
7. If you work downtown, parking costs $10.00/hour.
8. If you are able to buy a house in Calgary, why not spend the money on a 15 year holiday ?
9. If you drive a Hummer, look out. We sit amongst the highest gas prices in Canada. (So much for The Alberta Advantage)
10. In Edmonton we have 5 hospitals. 10 years ago we had 7. In Calgary (Alberta's largest city), we have three hospitals, plus a Children's and a Veteran's hospital, and one hospital under construction. 10 years ago we had eight. Don't come here sick.
11. In Calgary, the population has exploded. Calgary is a no-parking zone everywhere but on the roads, which are parking zones for much of each day.
THE NEW RULES FOR DRIVING IN EDMONTON or CALGARY:
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city names, they are: "E-MIN-TIN" or "CAL-GREE".
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On the QE2 (Emintin to Calgree Autobon), you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming in for a landing at the airports. Anything less is considered "Wussy".
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Alberta now has its own version of traffic rules. For example, the biggest vehicle goes first, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go next at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go third. However, any vehicle with visible hockey gear, and any SUV-driving, cell phone-talking mom, anywhere in Alberta, ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and, possibly, shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever! Seriously! It's another offence that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in both Calgary and Edmonton. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more construction starts everyday. Ramps to-and-from main roads are closed indiscriminately, so everyone can get to see different parts of the city while driving in the wrong direction, looking for a road that goes in the general direction you intended to go.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, bears, deer, barrels, cows, horses, mattresses, shredded tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows ... and coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Calgary Trail, Edmonton Trail, Gateway Boulevard, Deerfoot Trail, Highway 2, and the QE2, are all the same road.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated" and will confuse other motorists.
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 km zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candle and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is virtually non-existent, until it disappears during the spring thaw.
Comment