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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass heasked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied. 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. IfI start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
Sooo, at the beginning of the sermon, the priest got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door
signed by the monsignor:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, He did not bet his [censored].
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the
spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his [censored].
10) We do Not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it
is my body.' He did not say 'Eat Me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not; Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
With all this talk about having a cull on foxes to prevent any more babies being
mauled I've come up with a brilliant idea.
Basically we invent a sport where posh people chase foxes on horseback, perhaps
with horns to signal the direction of their movements and some kind of other animals
with them to actually kill the fox, lets say for arguments sake, packs of dogs.
I reckon it might take off………….
My 1 day employment:
After landing my new job as an Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-looking woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning Madame and welcome toAsda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Lissen four-eyes, they ain't
twins.. the oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'Madame I am neither blind nor stupid, I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work……
I was amazed when I found that "emas eht yltcaxe" is exactly the same spelt
backwards.
A stunning blonde lady walks up to the bar and signals the barman over, she brings
her face close to his and looks deep into his eyes. She runs her fingers through his
hair and across his eyes....
"Are you the manager?" she asks
"No" he gulps
"Can you give him a message for me?" she asks as she lets her fingers trace
seductively across his cheek and runs her nails across his lips.
"Yes" he murmurs in bliss as she slips her fingers into his mouth allowing him to suck
gently on them.
"Well then" she whispers "tell him theres no f**king bog paper!"
A little irish lad is crying by the side of the road, A feller says "What’s wrong sonny?"
"Me Ma just died" says the lad
"Oh Bejaysus" the man says "D'ya want me to get the priest?"
"No thanks, Sex is the last thing on mind right now"
A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stops. "What are you
doing?" he asks.
"I'm trying to commit suicide" the girl replies "and don't bother trying to talk me out
of it"
"Ah well" shrugged the trucker "But before you jump, can you give me a blowjob?"
She agrees. After she's given him the best BJ of his miserable life he say's
"Wow! That was incredible, you have a wasted talent, why on earth do you want to
kill yourself?"
"Because my parents don't like me dressing up as a girl…"
Sooo, at the beginning of the sermon, the priest got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door
signed by the monsignor:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, He did not bet his [censored].
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the
spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his [censored].
10) We do Not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it
is my body.' He did not say 'Eat Me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not; Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
With all this talk about having a cull on foxes to prevent any more babies being
mauled I've come up with a brilliant idea.
Basically we invent a sport where posh people chase foxes on horseback, perhaps
with horns to signal the direction of their movements and some kind of other animals
with them to actually kill the fox, lets say for arguments sake, packs of dogs.
I reckon it might take off………….
My 1 day employment:
After landing my new job as an Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-looking woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning Madame and welcome toAsda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Lissen four-eyes, they ain't
twins.. the oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'Madame I am neither blind nor stupid, I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work……
I was amazed when I found that "emas eht yltcaxe" is exactly the same spelt
backwards.
A stunning blonde lady walks up to the bar and signals the barman over, she brings
her face close to his and looks deep into his eyes. She runs her fingers through his
hair and across his eyes....
"Are you the manager?" she asks
"No" he gulps
"Can you give him a message for me?" she asks as she lets her fingers trace
seductively across his cheek and runs her nails across his lips.
"Yes" he murmurs in bliss as she slips her fingers into his mouth allowing him to suck
gently on them.
"Well then" she whispers "tell him theres no f**king bog paper!"
A little irish lad is crying by the side of the road, A feller says "What’s wrong sonny?"
"Me Ma just died" says the lad
"Oh Bejaysus" the man says "D'ya want me to get the priest?"
"No thanks, Sex is the last thing on mind right now"
A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stops. "What are you
doing?" he asks.
"I'm trying to commit suicide" the girl replies "and don't bother trying to talk me out
of it"
"Ah well" shrugged the trucker "But before you jump, can you give me a blowjob?"
She agrees. After she's given him the best BJ of his miserable life he say's
"Wow! That was incredible, you have a wasted talent, why on earth do you want to
kill yourself?"
"Because my parents don't like me dressing up as a girl…"