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1)
Two catholics were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi
walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch
digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"
A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you
believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so
confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."
After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house.
"Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."
2)
A bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the
Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of
Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down
there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly.
He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and
asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to
give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered in yelling, "Barkeeper, gis us a
lager dere la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?"
The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed! "The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and
danced a jig out the door.
Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian
felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't
f*ckin touch me! I'm on disability!"
3)
Q. What’s a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. Black coat, whi te collar & you've got to watch your arse i f you get a dodgy one!
4)
The Inland Revenue decides to audi t Paddy, and summons him to an appointment wi th
the most thorough audi tor in the of f ice. The audi tor is not surprised when Paddy
shows up wi th his solici tor.
The audi tor says, 'Well, sir, you have an ex t ravagant li festyle and no full- time
employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the
Inland Revenue finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove i t,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'
The audi tor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'
Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bi te my own eye.'
The audi tor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It 's a bet.'
Paddy removes his glass eye and bi tes i t. The audi tor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bi te my other eye.'
The audi tor can tell Paddy isn' t blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures
and bi tes his good eye. The stunned audi tor now realises he has bet and lost three
thousand quid, wi th Paddy's solici tor as a wi tness. He star ts to get nervous.
'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand pound
that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other
side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The audi tor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's
no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his t rousers, but al though he strains for all his
wor th , he can' t make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pret ty much
urinates all over the auditor's desk. The audi tor leaps wi th joy, realising that he has just
t urned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solici tor moans and puts his head in his
hands.
'Are you okay?' the audi tor asks.
'Not really,' says the solici tor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned
f or an audi t, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -
and that you'd be Glyn happy about i t.'
Two catholics were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi
walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch
digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"
A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you
believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so
confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."
After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house.
"Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."
2)
A bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the
Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of
Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down
there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly.
He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and
asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to
give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered in yelling, "Barkeeper, gis us a
lager dere la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?"
The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed! "The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and
danced a jig out the door.
Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian
felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't
f*ckin touch me! I'm on disability!"
3)
Q. What’s a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. Black coat, whi te collar & you've got to watch your arse i f you get a dodgy one!
4)
The Inland Revenue decides to audi t Paddy, and summons him to an appointment wi th
the most thorough audi tor in the of f ice. The audi tor is not surprised when Paddy
shows up wi th his solici tor.
The audi tor says, 'Well, sir, you have an ex t ravagant li festyle and no full- time
employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the
Inland Revenue finds that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove i t,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'
The audi tor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'
Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bi te my own eye.'
The audi tor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It 's a bet.'
Paddy removes his glass eye and bi tes i t. The audi tor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bi te my other eye.'
The audi tor can tell Paddy isn' t blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures
and bi tes his good eye. The stunned audi tor now realises he has bet and lost three
thousand quid, wi th Paddy's solici tor as a wi tness. He star ts to get nervous.
'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand pound
that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other
side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The audi tor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's
no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his t rousers, but al though he strains for all his
wor th , he can' t make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pret ty much
urinates all over the auditor's desk. The audi tor leaps wi th joy, realising that he has just
t urned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solici tor moans and puts his head in his
hands.
'Are you okay?' the audi tor asks.
'Not really,' says the solici tor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned
f or an audi t, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -
and that you'd be Glyn happy about i t.'
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