What would you do

[newcomer]

Re: What would you do

I believe you misread my post

I told you that the man I stayed with,BEFORE I met this man who has this problem,was the one who many would have believed was as sweet as sugar
he wasn't!!!!

the man who I am with now hasn't ever stolen a dollar from me

I am not going to talk about his any longer

it is in the hands of the almighty
he alone has the power to make this work out however it has to
I will keep positive and pray

time will show me where this is to go

respect

[rie]

Re: What would you do

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: concerned</div><div class="ubbcode-body">so let me answer you with this
I had a man before I met this man
sweet as sugar,or so one would think
yes he was the man who stole money from me
gave me the royal con game and so on

this man,with the big problem,NEVER touched a dollar of my
money,never gives me the con

I suppose people wonder why would I bother with a man that has
a drug problem?
right now this man is going to go in rehab
stay there 8 weeks
when all is said and done,I hope,actually I am praying, this is all he will need to get on with his life in a better way
his choice not mine
if he can't then I have some serious decisions to make

for now I will keep the thoughts positive and watch where it leads to </div></div>

Yeah I am wondering why you would send 61. a week to a crack addict. That's 244. per month. concerned should be concerned about concerned. Not some crack addict that is having you foot a 488. bill for 8 weeks in rehab, which since you are not there you really have no idea if he is using the money for rehab.
I am also wondering why you think he'll be magically 'cured' in 8 weeks. Do you know once an addict always an addict? What about his 'aftercare' ie sponsor, meetings etc. Are you going to hope he changes so much that in your mind and your mind ONLY he's changed? You admit that there is ruff times in Jamaica. When he comes out won't he have to go back to the same place he was living? You mention family's help each other and also he is a big man. Where is his family while all this bag of mess take place? If your man can afford crack, certainly he does not need your 61. a week. He can use his crack money he's saving by not using crack to pay for rehab. Honey you said you are not being conned, he is not a con man. Well I think he is conning you. With that said why don't you go read Oparh's take on men in this forum. Maybe it will turn on a light for you. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70384-praying.gif[/img] You are never too involed while living in seperate countries to go on with your life. It's not like your married to him,for better or worse. Girl this is worse! Grieve, get ready, then go look one new man in your OWN zip code.
I hope you seriously change your mind before this sweet talking con man gets all you have in life including your soul. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70459-idea.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/rolleyes.gif[/img]

[sistacaf]

Re: What would you do

no one, not even those of us who've been there, supporting someone to get out of an addiction, can say 'THIS is the way it is.'

while there are some commonalities, really - it IS different for each person. some can overcome it, some never can. only you know if this person is an important enough somebody in your life to support him going through this. My friend used to say "the only way out, is through". There is no way to know in advance if you 'should' do this, unless you go ahead and just do it. it's a catch-22.

you won't know til you get to some point in the future - as yet unidentifiable - whether or not it was worth your energy and effort. it may be. like your friend's son, the effort & heartache might be worth the end result. Sometimes the end does justify the means. it might be worth it. Or maybe not. you may reach some point at which you say 'that's it, i'm done." but you won't know that til you get there. And if you do, you'll know it for sure.

meanwhile it sounds like so far you are willing to support. well good for you. there is something to be said for selfless support of another in true need. IMHO that's the highest level of loving service one can do for another. having said that, there's also a fine line between that, and making yourself less so someone else can be more. it's a hard balance.

but nothin you can do now but keep your eyes open, and keep checking on your own gut feeling as you go.

good luck to you and he. i hope he's sincere and has the cojones to kick it; and i hope you're able to support without feeling compromised.

for me is there's no better friend in the world than someone who sticks by you when you're down, to help you through to the other side, instead of judging and deserting. sometimes that can be the thing that gets someone through to turning their life around, instead of giving up. If you're gonna support the guy, i hope that's the way it turns out. If not, you will at least have given it an honest try.

[newcomer]

Re: What would you do

I am going to tell you just what I said to the others


this is in the hands of the almighty


oh and by the way
the $61 per week is something I am helping him with since he will be in house,kind of hard to earn money and stay in a rehab at the same time
don't ya think?
the money goes to the rehab,not to him [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/grin.gif[/img]


we all have our own ways of dealing with life;s issues
mine is different than yours and so on
I am not one to look to Oprah for how to run my life
thanks anyway

thanks for your words but they don't fit my way

respect

[newcomer]

Re: What would you do

thank you for those kind, sensible words

it is so rewarding to know there are people out there in this world that see things with open eyes and don't judge

yes,he is a man that is worth trying to help
as I have said before
a good man with a bad problem

I do believe in lending a helping hand when you see someone needing it,no...there is no guarantee how this will all come to be,but that isn't why you help someone now is it
I would love to see him rid of this weight he is carrying and
allow us the chance to move forward and leave this all behind
if that is what is to come it will ,if not, at least I know I
did my best to help a man who is truly now willing to help himself

bless you sister and your oh so positive words

respect

[rie]

Re: What would you do

I am not saying to follow Oprah's word's right now. But if you have a printer, print it and hang it up next to your phone or somewhere you are going to be able to READ it ova and ova. Maybe one day you will see him for what he is, a smooth talking con. Was it so sweet with him that you are willing to sacrifice for a man that you are not even married too?
Do you have a pastor you can talk to, a mother, or a friend? Girl you've got to stop it and grieve, get out, and find a man in your OWN zip code who will truly love you, for you. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70459-idea.gif[/img]

[sistacaf]

Re: What would you do

yes, well, i see so many people making snap decisions cause its just too hard to 'be' in every moment, constantly juggling the balancing act of emotions. it ain't for the faint of heart. Much easier to just make your quick decision and done, and that's what most people do. And yes, all that stuff tishamae said is also a factor.....follow up, aftercare, he himself figuring out some way to fix it so he doesn't go right back into the same environment, with the same triggers, that caused him to self-medicate his pain in the first place. Counseling, all that stuff -- is part of the recovery. not easy at all.

but the first step is that someone pro-actively asks for help. that HAS to happen. and since it has, it would only be counterproductive to shut that down at the first little step. that would just kill any tiny glimmer of possibility. and as long as there's any possibility there, i think encouraging it - within your limits of course - is a positive thing.

all that other stuff, well yeh, it will all have to be dealt with. but that's not the help you were asked to contribute. and it doesn't mean that if you do this part, that you also must take on all that other responsibility as well. The 8 weeks in-house is the first step, after that he will have to step up when he gets out, with whatever support he can muster locally, towards improving his immediate environment. that's where the rubber meets the road, so to speak, and it will be the first measurable result you can look at, to see if the guy really is serious about this, or just takin you for a ride.

but even then, it's all one day at a time. sometimes it's one minute at a time.

[newcomer]

Re: What would you do

I have gone through many hard times in my life
no,nothing is easy,only in a fairytale and we all know
life is not a fairytale

yes,it is one minute at a time,that is all we have is the here and now to deal with

if I see this man is taking me for a ride,when all is said and done,it will be a lesson I had to learn for my own life

it is only that HE did step up and go to ask for help that I have decided to stay on with him through this step
yes,when this is done,he will have to be strong enough in himself to move on to what is next

prayer and good strong positive vibes is what I now have to give

the money to help him is not leaving me or my family in need
the money is secondary in the big picture,always

respect

[sistacaf]

Re: What would you do

respect to you too sis, and good luck. i'm also a believer in doing what you can, when you can, and receiving whatever lessons and blessings come with it along the way.

g'night 2 you, and jah bless

[rie]

Re: What would you do

concerned, there are all kinds of addicts.
1. drug addict
[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/feelsick.gif[/img]2. alcohol addict
[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/vomit.gif[/img]3. food addict
[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/hungry.gif[/img]4. sex addict
[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70377-loveeyes.gif[/img]just to name a few.
Are you sure he's not a drug and a sex addict combined? I've always heard those 2 go together.?
Well you being in another country and apart for so long, you sure he doesn't have someone down a yard to 'support' him through this 'life change'? Will you be there when he gets out of rehab with open loving arms? You know Jamaican men, their horny bad. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70365-flirt.gif[/img]

[sistacaf]

Re: What would you do

no, there is only one kind of addict. whatever substance or thing they are addicted "to" is irrelevant. it's the addiction and the associated behavior that goes with it- not the substance - that is the issue.

Doesn't matter whether its drugs, food, sex, gambling or whatever - it all stems from trying to escape pain, so an addict self-medicates with whatever, to avoid that pain rather than face it head on and deal with the issues that caused it.

when it becomes too unbearable, or the substance/behavior no longer works to bury, mask, or run away from the pain, is when they either get help or go deeper into it, and lose their family, home, or life.

[Boopie2]

Re: What would you do

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: concerned</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I believe you misread my post

I told you that the man I stayed with,BEFORE I met this man who has this problem,was the one who many would have believed was as sweet as sugar
he wasn't!!!!

the man who I am with now hasn't ever stolen a dollar from me

I am not going to talk about his any longer

it is in the hands of the almighty
he alone has the power to make this work out however it has to
I will keep positive and pray

time will show me where this is to go

respect </div></div>

I understood you perfectly, re read what I wrote. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/rolleyes.gif[/img] You deemed the first man as being sooooooooo sweet. I'm saying if he was so sweet he wouldn't have acted in that manner in the first place.

I went on talking about the crack addict, who will do anything and say anything at this point.

[Suesumba]

Re: What would you do

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: concerned</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
I told you that the man I stayed with,BEFORE I met this man who has this problem,was the one who many would have believed was as sweet as sugar
he wasn't!!!!
</div></div>

dang!!! soun like yu specialize [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/notworthy.gif[/img]

[Dr.Dudd]

Re: What would you do

You are addicted yourself not every addict self medicate.
but when they do they use the most convenient 'treatment. His is crack at this time. yours is the type of companion you are attracted to. You should chek up on your self esteem. It is usually the source of all addictions.

[MarieK]

Re: What would you do

Dr. Dudd you couldn't have said a truer word. This started out as being amusing but ended up downright sad.