I would like some opinions

[Suesumba]

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mrs. MarieK</div><div class="ubbcode-body">what about working off teh books, he can do that while holding down a 6 bucks an hour job while you get 17% of 6 bucks. is it even worth it? </div></div>

you're preaching to the conveted mi dear. Deb is the one with her head in the sand.

[Gen]

Re: I would like some opinions

Debs dear

is it worth holding out for child support payments if all he can afford is 48.75 per mth ?

that isn't even gas money to and from the daycare/nursery school [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70456-eyebrows.gif[/img] for the month.

Please let it go.

[Nunya]

Re: I would like some opinions

She's holding out cause she wants her son to have a relationship with his father. I commend her for that... she's got a good heart.

However, he can have a relationship from across town, or out of state...that would be better than being out of country...

So let him get moving, so you can move on...

[BlessedLadyOfZion]

Re: I would like some opinions

den mi did tink de filing tek 1 yr?? him shoodan have greencard loooong time.

either way, is not like u r his only hope. u said his mom is a citizen so yuh can still divorce an mek shi file him, can't you?

or if yuh well waan be the one to do the filing then him can move out an go live wid mommy an leff yuh an yuh son in peace. what him a contribute now, him can do dat from afar troo fedex

[Nunya]

Re: I would like some opinions

exactly.

[Suesumba]

Re: I would like some opinions

what I find most perplexing is people recognizing that they have a problem, posting seeking advice/feedback, yet remaining steadfast in their need to preserve the relationship.

*scratching head*

i mean, what the ___?!!! If yu naw goh tek advice, weh yu hax fe'et fah?

[kia027]

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nunya</div><div class="ubbcode-body">She's holding out cause she wants her son to have a relationship with his father. I commend her for that... she's got a good heart.

However, he can have a relationship from across town, or out of state...that would be better than being out of country...

So let him get moving, so you can move on... </div></div>

and there is webcam..

Debs.. move to chicago. you have a means to find work there based on your trade..

your son can call from blocked numbers & webcams..

As others have stated he is not being a role model and shame on his mother for not licking his baxside to go be a man & get a job to support his family.

It may not be physical abuse at first, cause based on what you wrote there was definitely verbal abuse..

LEFFDIMANNOWMITELLU

[BlessedLadyOfZion]

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: SueSumba</div><div class="ubbcode-body">what I find most perplexing is people recognizing that they have a problem, posting seeking advice/feedback, yet remaining steadfast in their need to preserve the relationship.

*scratching head*

i mean, what the ___?!!! If yu naw goh tek advice, weh yu hax fe'et fah?

</div></div>to vent or have smaddy/ppl fe tell de story to

[evanovitch]

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DebsinNY</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I have been a lurker for many years and I know what a rough crowd you are so please take it easy on me. (lol) I am having some trouble in my marriage and I don't feel comfortable discussing it with any of my close friends or relatives.


Now I met my husband 7 years ago and in the beginning of our relationship we have had high highs and really low lows, but we've always managed to pull through. This round though, I don't think I have the strength to make it work.


I think you should start out by knowing that my husband is Jamaican and I am Italian American. I know where your minds are going, and no we did not get married to get him his visa, and no it was not because of the sex either. I must admit that he did not have his papers when I met him but his mother and siblings are citizens/ legal aliens and his mother did file for him. However, about 2 years or so after we got married I decided to go ahead and file for him because it would be much quicker.


We have a very active 3 and a half y.o. son. My husband adores him. I think he is the only joy that we share as 99% of the time we don't see each other and when we do alot of arguing takes place.


Now, I am an LPN and I work days, nights, weekends, holidays, and regularly, I do double shifts. My husband does not have a steady job but does odd jobs here and there. Most times he is home in the days with our son. Other days he just drops him off at his mother's house and is on the road all day until late at night. It grieves me to have to leave work after doing an 7-3, come home, the house is a mess, dishes piled up to the ceiling, and him expecting me to cook!!! Mind you, I have to be back at work by 11pm! He has no sympathy on me. Then when I do cook he expects this big spread of Jamaican food. I like to make quick meals. Anything with pasta, casseroles, 1 dish meals. He claims he does not like "yankee food" as it cannot fill him like Jamaican food. I try to do Sunday dinners with rice and peas and chicken and roast beef or some other meat but I cannot keep up so most Sundays he is over in Brooklyn at his mother's house.

So back to the heart of the matter, I have not had alot of sex with my husband for the longest. Once or twice a week at most. I am tired from having to work, then come home and take care of my son and the house. He has more free time than I do and does not even wash his own clothes.


Now recently, he asked him to go somewhere to collect something for me and he told me to come along for the ride which I did. I sat in the car while he started griping that I was not giving him enough sex and that he was going to leave me and find someone else who would give him more. I said to him tha tif he wants to leave that was his choice and I was not going to beg him to stay. I was so nonchalant that I think it began to bother him that I was not responding how he expected to his threats. He started yelling at me and calling me all sorts of names and accused me of cheating on him so that was why I didn't want to have sex with him. I just laughed when he said that and said "Yeah, you're right, I'm cheating on you, and I'm enjoying it." As I said that all I could feel was the palm of his hand across my cheek.

I was shocked. He's grabbed me before but never actually hit me in anger. I went nuts on him. I doubled my small fists and pounded on him. All this was happening while we were driving. I grabbed his head and got a hold of his neck and started clawing. The car is swerving all over the place during this. He breaks free and grabs my left hand and starts wringing it. At this point I am yelling for help. I wind down the window with my free hand and yell for help. I beg for someone to call 911. I try to reach in the center console for my cell. He slams it down on my hand injuring my finger badly. There is blood everywhere now.


This took place on the way home. As soon as we pull up in the driveway I fly inside past my mother in the kitchen (sheh just happened to be visiting from my hometown that week) and upstairs in our bedroom where I lock the door and call the police. The dispatcher and I were going into details about what happened when she informs me htat because we were in a different borough I have to call the police there. Meanwhile I hear my husband downstairs telling my mother that he was sorry for the way he is behaving but she is going to have to take me back to Chicago where my family is from and bury me if I call the police. She is shocked as she has no idea what is going on.


He is banging on the door and calling me all sorts of names. I was heated. I called the police over in the other borough but they tell me to come in and file a report. My husband took my keys and left so I had no way to get there. I do not live on a busline and had no relatives close by. I am crying, my mother comes in the room, chocked at what has just happened. I finally got the strength to explain what happened. My brother in law flies over to our house from Queens. Apparently my husband must have told him that I was going to have him locked up and deported.

All of his family is calling me and syaing that he was wrong for what he did but I should just calm down before I do anything "irrational". Everyone is saying "let me know if you need anything" knowing full and well that I needed a ride to the police station and to get my finger stitched at the hospital but no one is really supporting me, they are all rallying around my husband...even though they know he was wrong for hurting me. My mother and his mother talk. My mother expresses her shock and disappointment and fear for me. I don't know what his mother said but I know she said something like "him must be stressed out." As if I was not stressed either. I am the only one with an income right now and I am in debt up to my eyeballs thanks to him.

I take the phone off the hook and ask my brother in law to leave. I just wanted to be alone with my son and my mother. Mama told me that it does not make any sense to have him locked up and deported because if he is in Jamaica he will not get to see his son and it will be hard to get any money if at all from him. So I did not report him to the police but I called a divorce attorney I know who documented the abuse. We spent the rest of the afternoon just trying to get over what happened in the morning. Later that evening my husband calls. He tells me he is sorry for the way he behaved and that he should have never done what he did. I did not give a rat's [censored] as I was still [censored].


It has been three weeks since this happened. He has been super nice to me, trying to kiss [censored] and make up for his worngs, but I still behave in a cold manner towards him. I go to bed with my son beside me and a barrage of pillows next to him on the other end and the morning I wake up and see his father next to him like we are this happy family unit. I just want to stab him in his sleep! I love him but in my heart there is no more strength to continue this marriage.

Today, I gave him the option of giving me a divorce now or waiting until he gets his green card, but one way or another I want to be over this. He is telling me that he is really sorry and embarrassed of how he behaved and that he is still in love with me and to give our relationship time. His family do not want us to divorce. I think they are afraid I will take Jordan away, and also my husband will not be as stable without me. My parents will not give an opinion as they have always encouraged me to make my own decisions. I think they want to see us work it out for our son's sake but if he continues the verbal and physical abuse they would want me out. What do you all think? Will this encourage him to change his ways? Or should I just quit while I am ahead? </div></div>

chile put him out...put him out before sun set...wuk out wat fi son's sake....put him out mek him go live wid him fambily...u lifestyle wi go up in a lot of ways widdout him....ur son does not need tension etc to colour an scar him for life....anyman whe gwanie gwanie like dis no need no chance....him did a get nuff as it is ...an i is unanimous in dis...

[DebsinNY]

Re: I would like some opinions

Lady Z, the process should take one year but we had to send in additional documents to INS twice. We finally got an appointment for January of next year.


Suesumba, the only thing I am steadfast in is ending this relationship. Note, I asked whether I should stay til he gets his papers or leave before that. Thank you again for your advice and I have not ignored anything you said either. Oh yeah, I was venting too.


Kia, I am actually looking into moving up north to Connecticut or Massachussets. The houses are cheaper and the nursing jobs are plentiful.


And I hear you all on the child support issue. You Jamaicans have a funny saying, I forget how it goes, but basically it means every little bit adds up. If I even get $50 it can go towards something useful. To be honest, I should not even be worried about money for our son because his family is always sending things for Jordan. Whether it's clothes, pull ups, his snacks, toys, whatever he needs his family does take care of him. He is the baby in the family so I suppose that's why he gets lots of attention.


Thanks again. I have to go get ready for work now. I'll respond to any replies later tonight or tomorrow morning.

[trelawnysmall]

Re: I would like some opinions

....

[Suesumba]

Re: I would like some opinions

Don't care whether he has his papers or not Debs, move out now or as vannie said, put him out.

[MarieK]

Re: I would like some opinions

what surety will u have that your son will get the 50 bucks and of course his family takes care of little Jordan, you are his meal ticket. They keep you happy you keep him thereby making them happy

[Bandana]

Re: I would like some opinions

Ok, first I have to say: well said Tsmall!! [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70458-applaud.gif[/img]


Deb [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/frown.gif[/img]

What the women of jam.com have said is true... and I agree 100%

But no one can tell you to leave him, or kick him out until you are ready...

Having him wait till he gets his green card, only gives him time to "simma down" and show you what a "nice guy" he really is [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/whatever.gif[/img]


I was also in a relationship where I was the sole provider, and my man stayed home with our boy... it was not easy to leave... I looked at the cost of daycare, and the prospect of doing all the cleaning, cooking, teaching, loving, and disciplining myself, and I was scared. Terrified actually [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/frown.gif[/img]

But you know what...

It's been 2 years! [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70371-jump.gif[/img]

And when I go home, I feel peace, when I wake up in my bed I feel comfort, and when I lay my head down at night, I know my boy did not go to bed with visions of Mommy and Daddy fighting [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img]

You can do it!!!!

[Bandana]

Re: I would like some opinions

btw:

dis mek mi laff [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/laugh.gif[/img]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DebsinNY</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I have been a lurker for many years and I know what a rough crowd you are so please take it easy on me. (lol) </div></div>

just watch out for the one named Nunya [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70390-shhh.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/grin.gif[/img]

An stop lurking [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70456-eyebrows.gif[/img] posting is lots more fun [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/dance01.gif[/img]