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* Names have been changed
September 27
Good Morning Milo:
I hope this message finds you well. I’ve decided tobe the one who reaches out to you, although I will admit that lately I feel that I have been doing moreof the reaching out. I’ve also decided to communicate to you in the manner in which you seem most comfortable (written), with the hope and expectation that you will reciprocate in kind by communicating with me in the manner I am most comfortable (verbal).
To say that the past few days have left me feeling hurt, disrespected, disappointed, flabbergasted, sad, angry, confused, and startled is an understatement to say the least. I have spent the last 2 days re-reading every email, letter, and card that you have given me. In my mind, I have replayed every conversation we have had. Milo, I am going to try to address each emotion that I have as clearly as I can, so that I can get youto understand where I am coming from. We have been talking (and I am using that word very loosely), since May. From the very beginning, I have taken every word you have said to me at face value. I believed it, as I think I should have. From the beginning, you have made it a point to stress that you believed in TOTAL and UPFRONT honesty. I took that and ran, as I share those sentiments too. Every email, conversation, card that you have sent to me led me to believe that you were being those things. The email you sent me on Monday morning displayed some very strong emotions that I can’t believe have developed overnight. So I feel like you have had these feelings for a while and were not upfront about them. This has disappointed me.
In your last email, you mentioned that you had friends that you wanted to stay in contact with. I understand that need. As humans we all need to feel connected. Family and friends are the means by which we do that.In our conversation, you made the point that you werenot hanging out with your friends, as they were mostly female. You went on further to say that you assumed that I would be upset or angry about that. Your assumption of me has left me feeling hurt, sad and disrespected. I am not sure why you just never asked me. Milo, you are a grown man. You are intelligent(for the most part). You have a life. To assume that I would ask you or want you to stop living your life is amazing and telling at that. I have to trust that you would not disrespect me by sleeping with one of your friends, since they are all females. I would need to trust that you would tell me if you decided to. But again, you went off of assumptions and maybe I amdoing the same in this point too. Perhaps, you have/are sleeping with one of your friends and all ofthis is your way of letting me know. You also made the comment that “I can’t move to Salem and Camarra, you don’t like it were I am.” Again, you made anassumption. I am not even sure what you used as your markers for making the assumption. I just wished that you asked me. I have always asked you what I have wanted to know of you.
Very shortly after we began “talking”, I mentioned to you that I DID NOT LIKE SUPRISES. Remember, I a friend of mine died 2 hours after graduation. I remember telling you that I preferred just being told, no matter how unpleasant, what needed to be said. I remember you asked me, “what if the person doesn’t know how or feel comfortable just saying it? Or what if they dont know what to say to you or how to deliver the bad news?” I remembered telling you that I preferred being told anyway. I even accepted being prepared with an, “Camarra, in 2 days I have something awful to tell you, right now I am working on how to tell you, but just know it is coming.” You laughed (by typing ‘LOL’) and saying you understood and would do that if a time called for it. Milo, you sent me a damned email! OK, so you sent the email, it happened, but you exacerbated it by not saying anything, AT ALL, about it. Even though you knew I was upset about it. I had to call you. I had to seek you out. I had to reach out to you. Here we are 2 days later and I am doing the reaching out. Milo, you’re a grown-assed man (I apologize for the cursing, but my temperature is rising again). You have a college degree (at least the transcript that you showed me had your name on it). Surely, you have better communication skills that what you have displayed inthe last few days. Surely, you do? Or maybe you don’t? I just found this entire scenario, hurtful and extremely distressful.
Milo, it has been a long time since I have been in this place with a man. I truly believed that we wereon the road to something really special. Your candor(term used loosely), you mild and gentle manner, youropen ear, your respectfulness (term used loosely) are all traits that I love about you. I am not a woman that gives her body up freely. I have never been in the practice of having “friends with benefits”. For me, I can only give my body to the person that I am in a relationship that I am building. I am very angry with myself, as I have given you my body and it appears that I may have done so without discerning all of the facts. I would like to think of myself as a very smart person, but on this, I have dropped the ball. I am angry with myself because I am a family person. It may be hard to notice that, as I have no children of my own. With that being said, I am very upset with myself because I have allowed myself to be introduced into your very beautiful children’s lives and it appears that that may be in jeopardy. I am not saying by any means that your children are china dollsand that they are fragile and will break at any moment, but they are children and I believe that children need consistency, excellent modeling and protection and that should come from the adults in their lives. I feel like I may have dropped the ball on this one too and I am very angry with myself for my part in that.
Milo, the last 2 days have left me feeling confused and flabbergasted, as I have re-read every single correspondence that you and I have had. To me, it seems that you have gone from “being in a good place in your heart to I love you [Camarra] to I need toscale back my heart some” in a matter of weeks. I don’t get that at all. I keep trying to understand it, deconstruct it, and analyze it, so that it can make sense to me. I just don’t get it. I will not put words in your mouth, as putting words out there is what has gotten us here. I just wish you could do something to get my brain to comprehend what is going on with this.
At this point, I need to end this letter to you, I am at work and my morning meetings are soon to begin. Again, I wanted to reach out to you. That is the type of person that I am. I am going to leave this with you and I am going to pray that I am not left with more disappointment. I don’t want you to think that I don’tunderstand that you are struggling with the long distance thing. It is different, but I asked and I asked IN THE BEGINNING. I understand that their willbe days that are harder than others. But as you said (in an email of course), we would just have to help each other through- TOGETHER. I am willing to do that. However, I need to feel that the feelings are beingreciprocated. We both have needs, we are human. I am willing to try to meet yours, I just need to know that you will try and do the same for me. I hope that I hear from you (VERBALLY). If you need to write it down and then read it to me, that is fine, but come clean. I just did.
Camarra
September 27
Good Morning Milo:
I hope this message finds you well. I’ve decided tobe the one who reaches out to you, although I will admit that lately I feel that I have been doing moreof the reaching out. I’ve also decided to communicate to you in the manner in which you seem most comfortable (written), with the hope and expectation that you will reciprocate in kind by communicating with me in the manner I am most comfortable (verbal).
To say that the past few days have left me feeling hurt, disrespected, disappointed, flabbergasted, sad, angry, confused, and startled is an understatement to say the least. I have spent the last 2 days re-reading every email, letter, and card that you have given me. In my mind, I have replayed every conversation we have had. Milo, I am going to try to address each emotion that I have as clearly as I can, so that I can get youto understand where I am coming from. We have been talking (and I am using that word very loosely), since May. From the very beginning, I have taken every word you have said to me at face value. I believed it, as I think I should have. From the beginning, you have made it a point to stress that you believed in TOTAL and UPFRONT honesty. I took that and ran, as I share those sentiments too. Every email, conversation, card that you have sent to me led me to believe that you were being those things. The email you sent me on Monday morning displayed some very strong emotions that I can’t believe have developed overnight. So I feel like you have had these feelings for a while and were not upfront about them. This has disappointed me.
In your last email, you mentioned that you had friends that you wanted to stay in contact with. I understand that need. As humans we all need to feel connected. Family and friends are the means by which we do that.In our conversation, you made the point that you werenot hanging out with your friends, as they were mostly female. You went on further to say that you assumed that I would be upset or angry about that. Your assumption of me has left me feeling hurt, sad and disrespected. I am not sure why you just never asked me. Milo, you are a grown man. You are intelligent(for the most part). You have a life. To assume that I would ask you or want you to stop living your life is amazing and telling at that. I have to trust that you would not disrespect me by sleeping with one of your friends, since they are all females. I would need to trust that you would tell me if you decided to. But again, you went off of assumptions and maybe I amdoing the same in this point too. Perhaps, you have/are sleeping with one of your friends and all ofthis is your way of letting me know. You also made the comment that “I can’t move to Salem and Camarra, you don’t like it were I am.” Again, you made anassumption. I am not even sure what you used as your markers for making the assumption. I just wished that you asked me. I have always asked you what I have wanted to know of you.
Very shortly after we began “talking”, I mentioned to you that I DID NOT LIKE SUPRISES. Remember, I a friend of mine died 2 hours after graduation. I remember telling you that I preferred just being told, no matter how unpleasant, what needed to be said. I remember you asked me, “what if the person doesn’t know how or feel comfortable just saying it? Or what if they dont know what to say to you or how to deliver the bad news?” I remembered telling you that I preferred being told anyway. I even accepted being prepared with an, “Camarra, in 2 days I have something awful to tell you, right now I am working on how to tell you, but just know it is coming.” You laughed (by typing ‘LOL’) and saying you understood and would do that if a time called for it. Milo, you sent me a damned email! OK, so you sent the email, it happened, but you exacerbated it by not saying anything, AT ALL, about it. Even though you knew I was upset about it. I had to call you. I had to seek you out. I had to reach out to you. Here we are 2 days later and I am doing the reaching out. Milo, you’re a grown-assed man (I apologize for the cursing, but my temperature is rising again). You have a college degree (at least the transcript that you showed me had your name on it). Surely, you have better communication skills that what you have displayed inthe last few days. Surely, you do? Or maybe you don’t? I just found this entire scenario, hurtful and extremely distressful.
Milo, it has been a long time since I have been in this place with a man. I truly believed that we wereon the road to something really special. Your candor(term used loosely), you mild and gentle manner, youropen ear, your respectfulness (term used loosely) are all traits that I love about you. I am not a woman that gives her body up freely. I have never been in the practice of having “friends with benefits”. For me, I can only give my body to the person that I am in a relationship that I am building. I am very angry with myself, as I have given you my body and it appears that I may have done so without discerning all of the facts. I would like to think of myself as a very smart person, but on this, I have dropped the ball. I am angry with myself because I am a family person. It may be hard to notice that, as I have no children of my own. With that being said, I am very upset with myself because I have allowed myself to be introduced into your very beautiful children’s lives and it appears that that may be in jeopardy. I am not saying by any means that your children are china dollsand that they are fragile and will break at any moment, but they are children and I believe that children need consistency, excellent modeling and protection and that should come from the adults in their lives. I feel like I may have dropped the ball on this one too and I am very angry with myself for my part in that.
Milo, the last 2 days have left me feeling confused and flabbergasted, as I have re-read every single correspondence that you and I have had. To me, it seems that you have gone from “being in a good place in your heart to I love you [Camarra] to I need toscale back my heart some” in a matter of weeks. I don’t get that at all. I keep trying to understand it, deconstruct it, and analyze it, so that it can make sense to me. I just don’t get it. I will not put words in your mouth, as putting words out there is what has gotten us here. I just wish you could do something to get my brain to comprehend what is going on with this.
At this point, I need to end this letter to you, I am at work and my morning meetings are soon to begin. Again, I wanted to reach out to you. That is the type of person that I am. I am going to leave this with you and I am going to pray that I am not left with more disappointment. I don’t want you to think that I don’tunderstand that you are struggling with the long distance thing. It is different, but I asked and I asked IN THE BEGINNING. I understand that their willbe days that are harder than others. But as you said (in an email of course), we would just have to help each other through- TOGETHER. I am willing to do that. However, I need to feel that the feelings are beingreciprocated. We both have needs, we are human. I am willing to try to meet yours, I just need to know that you will try and do the same for me. I hope that I hear from you (VERBALLY). If you need to write it down and then read it to me, that is fine, but come clean. I just did.
Camarra
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