Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

[Reggae plus]

A little over 7 years ago, my Dad was diagnosed as having leukemia. The doctors gave him 5 years if something else didn't kill him first. [with leukemia, you have no immune system to speak of...pneumonia has almost got him twice.]

He has faithfully had his blood work done, adhered to a strict diet, taken special transfusions and kept this thing at bay. He has the courage of a LION. He continued snow-skiing up till last winter. Still lives on his own. Drives up and down to the cottage from April till October. He has continued to beat the odds and stare the grim reaper right outta the yard.

The last few weeks has seen a change. He has lost his appetite and went to the doctor today. They've run all kinds of tests. He will see the results, probably tomorrow. It looks like it's either his stomach or his intestines. He called tonight and he sounded so frightened. He knows that the sand is running out of his hour-glass.

I don't know what to tell him. He has successfully fought this leukemia and he's beat it down...but now...the writing seems to be on the wall.
Please...I am NOT looking for scripture passages and words relating to God and Heaven. I want some down to earth, bonafide, realistic, man to man sinting to help him through what could very well be the bitter end.

My Dad is 86 years old. What a tough old goat... Someone asked here the other day...Who is your hero? I said it was my Dad. Help me now.



[This message has been edited by Reggae plus (edited 11-08-2001).]

[kiwifruit]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

R+, just tell him you love him babe. Let him know how proud you are to be his son. Sit down and have a good old chinwag with him. Remind him of all the special things you remember doin when you were a kid. You'll know in your gut what you have to do or say.
kia kaha e hoa, tou manawa e taku manawawhich means, be strong my friend, your heart is my heart.
much love xxx

[Afimi2]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

I was in a similiar predicament with my Dad two years ago R+, and there is not much that you can say but "I Love you, and fully appreciate EVERYTHING that you have done for me Dad", said in many different ways. Tell him that you are proud of him and tell him why you think he is your hero. Tell him that you wished you could be like him and ask him "Hey, are you gonna ever tell me your secret?" Ask him how he ever became so great and at what stage (age) did he discover that he was the "bestest" Dad in the whole wide world. I told my Dad that I was glad that I kept him on his toes (with all the running around that I made him do with mi bad self) because that was what kept him going for so long. It made my father laugh and focus on something else, when I reminded him of some of the "games" I and my other siblings played to "fool" him.

Example: I have a twin sister, so being young I beleive what people said, that we looked exactly alike. Back in them days, people did not acknowledge the difference between fraternal and identical twins. They just said you look alike if you are twins) . So, anyway, I refused to go to piano lessons and would get my (goody-goody) other half to go in my place. The teacher thought that she was the only one to attend until she told my dad that my sister was doing great. My dad asked, "so how is she doing?" pointing at me, the teacher said, she doesn't attend...meanwhile, I proceeded to convince him that the teacher cannot tell us apart and is dead wrong . My sister is and always has been taller, thinner and lighter than me...I had my father in tears remembering the baxiding I got for that.

I am sure that you can come up with funny child-hood stuff R+, to entertain his mind. Talk to him about HIM. Ask how he is REALLY feeling and tell him how YOU really feel. Don't hesitate to ask the "forbidden" questions. My Dad was very open and honest ONLY after I was open and honest with him. It is a difficult time but sharing this time is priceless. I can think of more, but I think you've got the gist. Those are very soothing things to help you heal as well, when the time does arrive...

My heart and my prayers go out to you and yours.


[This message has been edited by Afimi2 (edited 11-08-2001).]

[MNap1]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

R+ Sit with your father, talk with him about the things you both have done together, places that you visited, games you’ve been to see. You mentioned that your father skied, talk to him of the skiing trips, of the excitement of skiing.
It’s a natural progression, (I'am not being flippant)as a Ras I see it as moving on so make it a happy event, celebrate his life. Maybe whilst talking you could have his favorite music playing in the background.

Jah guidance & Itection to you and yours.

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Jah gave us this world for us to live and unite

[Simmy]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

(((R+))) I can't add anything to what was said by the posters above, very sound advice. I did the same with my Moms while she was still able to reason, told her I loved her and thanked her for being my Moms and for taking care of me. Please do as they say above, it's helps a lot.

[grandma2]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

Hey baby,yu know dat shoulder hug yu give,well as you hug him the right words will come,remember he is scared too (of the unknown). yu know yu got mi hart so if yu need mi.

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Jah & I one love
Always put yourself in others shoes,if you feel like it burns you,it probably hurt the other person too

[BND1999]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

R+ my thoughts are with you. I agree with those above..the best you can give him is to be available, ready to listen, and bend with the mood. I think one of the worries for your loved ones when they are at this stage is the idea of being a burden, and the fear to ask for what they need. One moment it's to embrace life and forget, the next to crumble in tears with fear of the unknown. Just be supportive, love him and let him know you are there until the the very end..Help to set his mind at peace..Remember for you too this is a fragile time. I have a father that is my idol as well, and 80 years old. The idea of letting go would be very difficult. You need to grasp all these moments, speak from your heart, show your love, getting any unanswered questions and spend as much time as you can. You are so generous with all of us on the board, so remember we are all here for you..so come back and get what you need from us as well.

[mountaingal]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

Hey, Reggae Plus.

Like Gran2 says, your dad's scared about dying. Don't underestimate the power of religion at this time, if your father has that faith. It can help him come to terms with his situation, and help free his mind so he can enjoy the quality time both you and him need to spend with each other right now, like what others have suggested in this post.

YOU don't have to read scripture to him yourself, but perhaps you can find someone who can - clergyman or fellow worshipper.

I remember reading that Pierre Trudeau, one of the most secular of men, sought the counsel of a Jesuit priest when he was dying, and was apparently much comforted.

My thoughts are with you and your dad. (((R+)))

[ROANWOODBURN]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

(((R+)))

[TeaOom]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

...R+, I haven't read what the others have said...but I have been there with my father recently...we faced the end together.

I did all of the things one is told to do...I told my father how much I loved him and what a good father he was to me and how much I admired him...and he cried when we talked daughter to father of our mutual love and affection.

The thing the I found that was most comforting to my father was that I was there for him through his journey to the end. He knew he could count on me and that meant more to him than any words I could say to him...I was there with him through his last day and the last battle and oh was he a fighter...

...Telling your father that you will be there for him will be a great relief for him...

Who will take care of your father? Have you crossed that bridge yet? That in and of itself is one of the greatest fears of an elderly person...not knowing how they will be cared for in their final days of incapacity...

My father was in denial most of the entire time he was dieing...on numerous occasions I spoke with his hospice social workers about my fathers denial of his impending death and they told me that this was his way of dealing with his death and to respect his wishes...so I did not sit down with him and say..."Daddy stop thinking that you are going to beat this...you are dying"...

If your father decides to be in denial, it's OK...

Allow your father to take the lead in controling as much of his final days as possible...to the extent that he can...while respecting his dignity...

The caregiving issue may be resolved...I don't know, but it is a big decision and not to be taken lightly...

If there is a Hospice organization in your area you may consider contacting them...they are all about "the natural ending of a life cycle"...you may want to do some research on them before you contact them to see how they work in your area...especially to find out if they have a "Hospice Care Home"...

I am here for you off the board if you need me R+...

(((((Reggae Plus& His Father)))))

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`I sing and dance across the stages of my life~

[white rasta mon]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

R+ are there any hospices in your area? They are specifically trained to have the answers to some of the questions that are going through his mind right now.My dad has asbestiosis, and has been in a downward spirel for the last couple of years now as well.I'm afraid it won't be long and I'll be asking the same questions you are today. The best that you can do is be there for him. But I highly reccomend a counseler for the terminally ill. Our thoughts are with ya buddy...plus there is always the chance that the news won't be as bad as you suspect

[This message has been edited by white rasta mon (edited 11-08-2001).]

[trelawnysmall]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

(((((((((R+))))))))))
Wish I could wrap my arms around you.

I don't know what to say that would make it any easier.
The true love of my life, my Mother, passed away 4 years ago. She was everything to me. She was only 61, but she had fire in her like she was 21.

Audrey was her name, same as your Mother.

There was nothing we couldn't do & share with each other. She was love & joy sent straight from God.

Then she got sick. At the time she was a muralist, up on scaffolding painting beautiful pictures. I happen to be in Jamaica at the time. I arrived home late on Thursday night & decided I'd call her in the morning to say I was home. When I called, she said, darlin I need to tell you that I am going to die. These words were so strange and forgien to my ears. I couldn't fathom what she meant by this. She knew at that time that she would soon leave this world. I kept saying, No, quit talking like that. I was only in Jamaica for 2 weeks, how could this happen so quickly.
She was fine & painting beautiful picturs when I left.
I spent the next three weeks, crying my heart out, trying not to believe what she was saying.
Three weeks after I returned from Jamaica, my Mother passed from this world, as I held her in my arms.

All I can say to you my brother, is Jah does have a perfect plan. Leaving these bodies is part of His plan. I went to see my Mother everyday before she left. We talked about the wonderful things that we did in life together. I read jokes to her, and we cried alot too. We talked about things we wished we had done. We also talked about what I would do without her here with me.

We did just what Mother & child could do & that in itself was Jah's perfection.

You will know what is needed & when it is needed. I really think it would be harder to walk down this road if you attempt to script your actions or words.

You're love for your Father will show. That love will carry you through. There might be tears, but there will be laughter too.

I know you R+ to be a wonderful, strong, kind hearted man. I have always felt moved by your kindness & concern for those of us on the BB. I know that Jah will not fail you as you take this walk with your Father.

Take their hands, Your Father's & your Maker's & the 3 of you take this wonderful walk together.
How blessed they are to call YOU their son.

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It's me again Jah!

[miaman]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

Kiwi said it best. I never got that opportunity and will have that talk with my son b4 my time comes

[Ivory]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

R+ ((((((((Hug)))))))))

Words are not always necessary. Alot of times silence can be Golden. The fact that you are by his side speaks volumes in untold words.

Stay strong. Ivory.

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Above all else, Guard your affections. For they influence everything else in your life.

[QK13]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

((R+)) Wish I had some words of wisdom or even comfort. Just letting you know, you'll be in my thoughts.