Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

[EdisonShi]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

Not wise enough to counsel, but you and your father are in my thoughts.

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Celebrate the Struggle

[sistactry]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

(((((Reggae + Dad))))))

Reggae, my phylosophy is life is to always embrace the positives....Hug up your Dad, take time off of work, be by his side, love him...and Reggae, now would be a good time to read some passages from the bible with him...find a priest who will come and talk with him too,
Best of Wishes to you and your tuff-goat Dad,

[SavBeauty]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

((((R+)))))


I know the feeling of helplessness you are experiencing right now because I have been there twice with my uncle Desmond the man I considered to be my father. He had lung cancer after smoking for years, he went into remission for about a year and I was very happy. My happiness didnt last long because it came back full force and spread everywhere.

We spent many hours talking about my childhood which seems to give him pleasure and I ask him about his, it didnt matter to him what we talk about as long as we did talk. I just constantly told him how much I loved him and thanked him for been a good father/uncle to me, for teaching me to swim, ride bike and the many other things he taught me. At times there was silence and I knew he was reflecting on his life such as what he did right or wrong and I was there with him just holding his hand.

He knew I was supposed to go on vacation and he told me to go because he was feeling much better plus my father was there in case he neeed anything. Two days after I left he died, my father said the last word he spoke was Sugar which was his name for me. This was Christmas of 1994 and its a bitter/sweet time for me, but I cherrish every moment I spent him during his last few days.

R+, just enjoy your father and spend as much time with him, he may not say how much he appreciate it but you will know it by the way he may touch or look at you. Dont worry about what words to say it will come naturally because of the love you have for each other. My love is with you.

[This message has been edited by SavBeauty (edited 11-08-2001).]

[Witchy Ooman]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

Reggae+, My prayers are with you, he, and yur family at this time.

Is your dad interested in church or in speaking with a priest? IF he is, then make sure to get him to one or one to him. Go with him to church if that's still aviable option. (Not so much for YOU as for HIM.)

If there's anything between you two, deal with it NOW. Get closure.

If all's well and finished in that department, just reassure him that you will be okay after he's gone. THAT was MY father's biggest problem over the last few years as he's had life-threatening situations happen and he thought he was going to die: He most feared leaving me while I might still need him. (Didn't fear leaving my mother, or my sister, or his own brother; He greatly feared leaving ME "in the lurch", since I have always needed my father so much.) Fortunately for ME, my dad is still alive, and now, at 71 yrs old, now that I'm facing the complete ruin of my entire life, I still need him... just yesterday he pointed out on the phone that he sees that he's still not yet ready to "go", since I am still not yet ready to face Life without his assistance. (Right after saying that, he reminded me that he is convinced, as he always has been ever since I was born, that he will outlive me.) Reggae+, if there's any chace that your father might have similar concerns (how you'll fare after he's gone) then reassure him. Mean it. Coz he'll KNOW if you don't mean it.

(((((((((R+)))))))))

I'll pray for you all when I say my daily prayers.

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*Evolution In Action: The gene pool sometimes needs a little chlorination!*

http://witchy-ooman.jamaicans.com

[Pepper]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

Sorry R+, no advice but I have you and family in my thoughts and prayers.

(((R+)))

[Marcia]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

I lost my father when I was 16 yrs old. I knew and he knew that he was very ill and would eventually die. Every chance I got to be with him I would hug him. I would go into his sick bed and hug him like a child would hug a parent.

He had a great sense of humour up to the end and I always encouraged him to smile with my jokes. I would talk to him of tomorrows that he would never see and things I would be doing in the future, knowing he would not be able to witness my growth.

I asked him questions about his growing up days and the things he used to enjoy doing as a boy and one day while we sat talking, I asked him if he could come back into this world as anything, what would it be and he told me a parakeet(bird) with blue feathers. Since I've become an adult and if you should ever visit my home,you will always, always see two blue budgies (parakeets) in their cage or on my shoulders. Yes, my father lives within my heart through them.

Reggaeplus, you got some good advice from the people in here. Hug your Dad ...don't wait until it's too late...treat him in such a way that when the grim reaper appears, you will not have any guilty feelings. Guilt is a helluva emotion to bear, especially when the person is no longer around.

[babydoll]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

((((R+))))) Everyone says it best. The one thing I wished more than anything else was to be able to talk to my grandmother before she died. Well, you have that opportunity, cherish each and every day he is here and tell him you love him.

[calicouple]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

R+, sorry to hear you are dealing with such difficult times. My husband lost his "hero" (Dad) this time last year. It was a difficult time for him too. Both of my parents are still with me, so I can only relate to what you are going through. Although, just the thought of something happening to Mom & Dad can bring serious tears to my eyes. But, you know what I hope for, R+? I hope for some time to prepare when it is their time. I am so afraid of getting that "middle-of-the-night" phone call with unexpected bad news. Relish the time you do have. You wonder how to help your Dad prepare. Concern yourself with the things that concern him. You mentioned re-doing his will. Maybe there are some aspects of his personal affairs you can help ease his mind by handling. And, like others have said, don't underestimate the the power of hospice centers. They are still calling my husband a year later to make sure he is okay. They were a great support to the family. Remember...you have to deal with yourself too!!! You have been such a pillar of wisdom and strength to others on this board that I just wanted to respond out of respect and concern for you and yours. Although you detached from religious notes...I will begin my prayers for your family this evening. Stay strong.

[AYLA]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

((((ReggaePlus)))) Your Dad knows that the time is near, do not pretend or tell him he will be here a long time,, he knows better. Tell him how much you love him and listen to what he tells you.. these are memories you want to always have..YOu should video tape the two of you talking or maybe just audio tape your conversation with your Dad. Ask him things like... what name had he chosen for you before he named you.. ask him about when he was dating your Mom before they married, ask him about the times when he was a boy and how he ran his parents crazy,, ask him about when he was in school, his first date, first party.... these are things that will always make you smile when you think of our Dad. Your Dad is 86 and even though he has lived to a ripe age, does not make it any easier to lose him,,, but you do have an opportunity most people don't.. you have a chance to tell him how much you love him and admire his strength...as you hold him... tell him he can let go whenever he feels like it because you will be there to hold him. I feel your pain my brother,,, i know nothing or no one can ease your pain but we all are here surrounding you to keep you from falling. Your Dad knows that you are hurting and fighting with what to do..it will be a relief to him if he could go knowing that you will be alright. (((R+ and his Dad)))))))

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There is only one today and many tomorrows

[halfwaytree]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

I too am not wise enough to give any advice R+ except to say that I lost my mom in much the same way 10 years ago. She too defied the odds and was a real fighter. I never really had a good heart to heart with her to thank her for all of the love she had given me. Today, it is one of (if not the) biggest regret of my life!

There is no second chance to say Thanks Pop, after his time has come and gone.

It sounds as though your dad & you have a great relationship. You are a lucky man R+ and I suspect your dad feels lucky himself to have such a caring son!

(((R+)))
Walk good mi bredda!

[Tigrrr]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

R+,

When I first saw this post I read a few lines then ran away from it. My sister has multiple myeloma and I was afraid of hearing what cancer is doing to your dad.

Out of admiration for you (you've always supported others in their time of need) I came back and finished reading your post to see if there is anything I could offer you.

Since I honestly don't know what to say (especially since you know I was gonna bombard you with scriptures ) here are suggestions I got online:

When someone is experiencing illness he is always aware of it. So, it is best to acknowledge and to offer opportunities for conversation. After that initial response, follow the person’s lead. Recognize that sometimes, individuals will need to talk about the experience while other times they may wish to avoid addressing illness issues. They may prefer, at that moment, your normal conversation.

That person will struggle with many feelings. He may feel angry, guilty, sad or lonely. He may experience fears and anxieties. "How tough will it be? What will I have to struggle with down the line?” He may grieve the losses he has already experienced – losses of dreams, health, perhaps even financial stability. One of the greatest gifts that you can offer is a safe place for that person to express and discuss fearful feelings. It is not enough just to listen, you need to respect and validate the feelings, fears, and sad thoughts.

Often, it seems easier to try and “fix” these feelings. Saying things like “You need not be scared,” “You shouldn’t feel guilty,” “Think of the good times.” Can be well meaning. However, these types of statements may only serve to discount the real feelings that he has.

It is important to respect those fears, to understand that they are real and cannot simply be dismissed. Rather than saying “You should not feel guilty, angry or afraid,” let the person express those fears and feelings. “What makes you frightened” or “I understand you’re angry,” allows individuals an opportunity to further explore their feelings. It also provides them with space to decide what they need to do to best handle their reactions.

Avoid being judgmental or sharing what you would do, or what you experienced. Share advice when asked, but mostly listen.

One of the most important things that you can do is to help in tangible ways. It is not enough to simply say, “Is there anything I can do?” A person living with illness may be too stressed to consider how you might help or may believe your question to be a caring polite comment rather than a real request.

It is most helpful to volunteer to do specific things. Tangible acts such as cooking food, helping with chores, assisting in caregiving, can mean so much.

Here are some suggestions that may help, taken from the experiences of patients:

BE HONEST WITH ME. I can tell when your feelings or actions are insincere.

LAUGH WITH ME, CRY WITH ME. Allow me to express intense emotions.

DON’T FEEL SORRY FOR ME. Your understanding helps preserve my dignity and pride.

TOUCH ME. I want to be accepted despite the way I may look. Inside, I’m still the same person you always knew.

LET ME TALK ABOUT MY ILLNESS IF I WANT TO. Talking helps me work through my feelings.

LET ME BE SILENT IF I WANT TO. Sometimes I don’t have much energy and I just may want your silent companionship. Your presence alone can be comforting.

SPACE YOUR VISITS AND CALLS. Consistent support is very helpful.

OFFER TO HELP ME WITH THE SIMPLE CHORES. Routine jobs are often difficult to accomplish.

CONTINUE TO BE MY FRIEND. Don’t let my illness overshadow all the good times we’ve shared together I know this is hard for you too.



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So Groovy That I Dig Me.

[Tigrrr]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

Oh, I forgot something....


(((((((Reggae plus))))))

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So Groovy That I Dig Me.

[Professor]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

R+, all the respondents in your "reaching out," have supplied you with sound and profound advice about what you and your father should do with each other; but when you reached out, you left the question open. It really isn't just what you should do with your father, but what you should do with yourself. How do cope as you watch the departure of a loved one? Dylan Thomas had to write a poem as he watched his father die: "Do not go gentle into that good night...." Verdi, when he lost his wife and his only child, almost at the same time, also had to cope with depression after the fact. He wrote his famous opera "Nabuko." Every person who experiences this particular transition in his life, has to turn to something or to someone in order to ameliorate the impending grief; otherwise the resulting depression will be without end. Many Jamaicans, having a religious sentiment, avail themselves of the Bible--our source of strength--as something on which to hold fast. You, too, might find that reading this book will help you to cope with the inevitability of life.

[Reggae plus]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

Again I want to thank you ALL for contributing to this question. Dad and I do have a great relationship really. He knows how I feel about him. We spend a reasonable ammount of time together and on the phone. He is very independent and likes to call his own shots which is fine with me. I spent quite a few hours with him yesterday...washed his socks, underwear and p.j.s....while we joked. I left him in much better spiritis than when I came over.

Earlier this afternoon, while I was at work,
he drove himself to the doctor to find out about the test results. He has been rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. That's all I know at this point.

Please excuse my being predominantly absent from the board over the next few days. I will pop in because this is a good outlet for me. I will not be writing poems or operas though. {Thanks Prof. }

Marcia...please keep an eye on the Muisc forum for me. I doubt there'll be any problems though...You meet a finer grade of human up there.

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Do something REALLY nice for yourself. Add some music, poetry and art to your day. ONE LOVE.

[KLH]

Re: Help Me Please...What Do I Tell My Dad?

R+, again, my prayers are with you and your family. ((((((R+))))))