OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

[tvman3]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

Bill, that´s just a perfect day?!?
It is so entertaining to read-great job! I guess my neighbours stared at me while laughing so much.
One of the next bashements I have to be there!!!!

[ohliz]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

I can see the storm a comin' Bill, awesome!!

[img]/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

[accompong98]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

Thanks tvman3...glad you liked this...you just may enter the next day's trials and tribulations!! [img]/forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Ohliz, glad you liked it too! I was having a little too much fun writing this and I was hoping that you and T would see the humor in it. No offense was ever meant and I'm glad you could see that as I was a little worried. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

And so to you ((OHLIZ)) I dedicate the next installment!!

[accompong98]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

The squall that threatened our intrepid sailors had blown over [humph!] though the moon was still obscured by menacing clouds [Yea!]. We had not moved much in the past few hours and sunlight was beginning to highlight the Negril Hills. We had blown down the coast and were just a couple of miles off Little Bay with a slight breeze bringing us closer and closer to the safety of the beach but we were still about ¼ of a mile away.

((SIENNA2)) :Hey, Look! Some one is waving at us from the beach!

((JTGOGO)) [looking through the telephoto lens on his camera] “YES! Its some guy wearing a uniform!”

((SALA)) “Darn policeman! We will be arrested for stealing the boat!”

((JTGOGO)) [still looking through the telephoto lens on his camera] “Looks like a tourist and he is pulling a carryon!”

[everone in unison] “MAGIC!”

((EDDIE COCCOZA)) “Hand me the bow rope!” [Eddie grabbed the line and jumped into the water pulling the boat in his teeth towards the beach and safety]

((MAGIC)) [shouting] “Get it in close. I can’t get my spit-shined shoes dirty!”

Pulling the boat ashore, Eddie collapses on the beach totally spent.

((MAGIC)) “Get up and get onboard!” [barking orders] “Clear the bridge, the Captain is coming on board!” “Stow my gear” “Prepare for takeoff” “Stewardesses take your seats” [no one moved, certainly not Eddie who was convulsing in pain. Magic tried his best to look in control.]

((QUEENB)) “What do you mean, ‘clear for takeoff’? The blasted motor quit around midnight in a horrible storm!”

((MAGIC)) “Okay! Okay!” The ‘Topic of the Week’ is “Who has Mechanical Training and wants to rebuild a motor?” [grinning optimistically]

Slowly, everyone filed silently past Magic and disembarked the beached boat. Tea’oom hovers over Eddie’s body and pulls a flask from her bag. Tipping back Eddie’s head, she pours rum down his throat making him cough and thrash around. Finally, Eddie comes completely awake and gets to his feet although still a little wobbly.

((JTGOGO)) [runs over with his camera] “Can I get a picture of this beached boat for the site?” ((QUEENB)) steps in and puts her hand over the lens and continues, “I’m the Captain and there will be no pictures of any boat!”

((MAGIC)) “Queenb, I think you are forgetting who is the Captain here now! Go ahead Jim, take a picture with me at the helm!”

Sala takes out his Digicel and calls a friend with a big van to pick up Alberto and bring him to the boat then give us all a ride back to Negril. Two young enterprising youth come running up with a cooler full of iced down Red Stripes so we decide to make the best of it until help arrives.

Going back to Negril……What could happen next? (you will just have to wait and see!)

[Guest]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

This is so funny. People are looking at me strangly. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

[accompong98]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

I know what you mean, CandyCane!

People have been looking at me strangely for a very long time!! [img]/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[AngieB]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

Bill, this is absoutely delightful. When you described the person pulling luggage down the beach, I thought it had to be Magic and as the tale is told, is was. I'm happy that you are either boared or miss posting on the board and decided to delight us with your writing. Can't wait for the next installment.

[accompong98]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

Day 1 turns into night..............

We spent the rest of the day relaxing on the beach and playing some dominoes until after dinner when we got back together for cocktails and conversation. Sitting back at the bar at Whistling Bird, things were just starting to get on track. Everyone was starting to get a little tipsy and conversation was simply giddy. A serious note was hit, however, when Magic was asked just how he knew to meet us at the beach in Little Bay when no one knew we were going there. Now everyone turned to stare at this man still in his uniform instead of shedding his clothes and relaxing like the rest of us.

((MAGIC)) “Honestly?”, he asked. “Well, I took a wrong turn at Sav La Mar and thought I WAS on Negril Beach!” [further confessing] “I was never very good at navigating anyways.”

That broke everyone up laughing and only the red tinge of Magic’s face made everyone still a little skeptical at this preposterous admission. Oh what the heck we thought, at least he wasn’t flying any airplane we were on.

((TEA’OOM)) “When did you get into Jamaica, Magic?” [casually asking while sipping a Rum Runner]

((MAGIC)) “We flew in on the 5:00pm flight last night? Funny thing is that we were having a crew party in the cockpit and overshot the island so we had to turn around which made us very late. Glad none of the passengers knew about our screwup!!” [laughing]

Tea’oom spit her drink out all over Ohliz’s husband, Phillip as she angrily jumped to her feet.

((TEA’OOM)) “You incompetent baboon! We were on that flight and could have been killed by your indiscretion”

((MAGIC)) “I agree with what you said but I do take offense at being called ‘incompetent’!” [as he straightened his tie and asked for another banana] “Everything worked out fine so let’s not get so overly dramatic.”

((GEOCOX)) “Let’s change the subject. Where are the girls?”

((SIENNA2)) “We can go out to our club in Little London if anyone would like to party late.” [people looked around and nodded to each other] “Chef and Libby’s son, Georgie, is staying and he and Lilly can watch the children and those that don’t want to go can just hang out here.”

((GEOCOX)) “What are we waiting for!!” [grabbing a bottle of Bay Rum from behind the bar and splashing it on his face to freshen up]

Twelve of us piled into Sala and Chef’s vehicles and took a short drive to Little London to a REAL Jamaican Night Club. Well, not exactly a “Night Club”, more like a “Strip Club” but nobody ever asked so nobody said anything. Off we went into the night looking for another adventure.

Shakin’ Booty…..Queenb’s debut or George’s Swan Song. (You will just have to wait a bit more)

[geocox]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

Bill, you are really into this.
Meanwhile I'm lost on my way into Mandeville with my woman; no place to stay; Salomon questing ?Where is this nut going and is he going to have me driving around this town till he sees that special place?...... Keep it coming BILL<YEA!! g

[accompong98]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

The large wooden structure appeared to be alive as it was pulsating with a guttural sound that could only be described as primal and bombastic. A few locals had gathered inside the door but seemed to be carefully avoiding the direct hit from the 20” woofers and 15” sub-woofers in the 8’ columns. The bar was a counter top/runway around three sides of the beer coolers and about 4 feet from the floor where your drink and the dancers came into close proximity. A mirrored disco ball was projecting spots of different colors spinning around the room. We entered the scene by the back door and found seats along the rear wall. We seemed to be more of an attraction than the dancers but they were still sitting next to us and not as of yet performing. It was impossible to hear but, along with hand signals, we were able to communicate on a basic level. It was only 11:00pm, early by Jamaican standards, and things didn’t get hopping for a couple of more hours. Enough time to get thoroughly adjusted to the scene.

“Boom Boom” Bonnie, a dancer, approaches Magic and takes a seat next to him.

((Bonnie)) “I love a man in uniform. What do you do for a living?” [straightening Magic’s tie]

((MAGIC)) “I..I..err…Fly planes” [answering nervously] “What do you do for a living?”

((Bonnie)) “I’m a brain surgeon!” [sarcastically] “I think you need some exploratory surgery. See me after the show.” [smiling]

((GEOCOX)) “You can operate on me! Please! [he implored grabbing Bonnie’s arm]

((JTGOGO)) [runs over with his camera] “Can I get a picture of his brain for the site?”

((Bonnie)) “Tourists!” [she sneers] “I’ve gotta go to work now”

The crowd cheers as Bonnie takes the stage. George approaches the stage waving dollar bills but loses his balance and pitches forward striking his head on the edge of the bar. Bonnie jumps down from the stage and cradles George’s head in her arms. A faint smile can be detected on George’s face as he pretends to be unconscious.

((Bonnie)) “Somebody help me to take this poor man to a cot in my dressing room. He’s hurt!” [genuinely worried]

((SIENNA2)) “What are we going to do now? She was the star dancer and now we are ruined!” [sobbing]

((QUEENB)) “Don’t worry, Sienna. The show will go on!!” [Queenb takes the stage and the crowd by storm!] [people who have been outside are now pouring into the club trying to get a glimpse of the new dancer]

The illegal electrical hookup over the power line outside the building is sparking and the electric lights as well as the music seem to be straining to keep up with the electricity coming from the stage. Money is flying. Drinks are flowing and everything seems to be right with the world when, suddenly, six uniformed officers enter the bar and place Queenb under arrest. A subsequent search nabs George in the dancer’s dressing room. He too is placed in custody.

((JTGOGO)) [runs over with his camera] “Can I get a picture of this bust for the site?”

That makes three people under arrest.

((SIENNA2)) and ((SALA)) “Don’t worry everyone. We know the officers here in Little London. Come on, let’s take up a collection to get them all out of jail.” [silence]

((TEA’OOM)) “How long do you think they will keep them locked up if we don’t pay the money?”

((CHEF)) “It’s been my experience that it will be a VERY long time. [more silence]

Just then, the door opens and in walks our Web Master, Xavier Murphy. He had some business in Kingston and decided to pay a visit to the Bashment and to drop by and check out Sienna’s place.

((XAVIER)) “Was that Queenb I saw being dragged out the door?” [confused and concerned]

“Geocox and jtgogo too!!” [echoes the rest of us] “Boy we’re glad to see you!”

((XAVIER)) [cautiously] “Why? I don’t have any money either!” [silence] “Let me have a talk with the police.” [walking outside]

When he walked back in a short time later, he had a dejected look on his face.

((XAVIER)) “Tomorrow morning they are going to see a magistrate at the Sav Courthouse but tonight they have to remain in custody. I will talk to the magistrate tomorrow in court and see what I can do.

Everyone was feeling much better now.

((EDDIE COCCOZA)) “Boy! The bars around Negril are rough!” “Much rougher than Ocho Rios!”“ “Reminds me of home!” [with a tear in his eye] “Let’s have another round.” [everyone cheers and gathers round Eddie for a cold one]

Law and Order….or….Kangaroo Court!…Life without parole…(coming up next!)

The group was hootin and hollerin when the van pulled up outside Whistling Bird at 4:00am. Xavier said he would meet us at the Savana La Mar Courthouse at 9:00am SHARP so there was no time to sleep only clean up a little and press our Tropical Shirts and Bermuda Shorts. Tea suggested we have a “hair of the dog that bit us” so we downed a couple of cold beers before heading off to the courthouse. It was the first time many (but not all) of us had been to a Jamaican court session so it was no surprise that “Judge Judy” it wasn’t! Xavier decided to be the trio’s solicitor as we had no funds to hire a real one. George happened to have some packages of hair he brought for any women he might meet so we brought it to the courthouse and bought some talcum to powder it to make Xavier a wig. Ohliz went to a store nearby and bought a used graduation robe that we hastily fitted to Xavier’s measurements and off to the courtroom he went. We had to stand on the balcony but we could watch the proceedings from there. The scene unfolded something like this………

The policeman brought in the boardites in leg irons and they were hand cuffed to each other by one hand. Queenb led the way, followed by George and Jim brought up the rear.

((JUDGE)) “The proceedings will come to order. Who is here to represent these criminals?”

((XAVIER)) “Xavier Murphy for the defense and, Your Honor, I object to them being characterized as ‘criminals’ as they have yet to be convicted of any crime.”

((JUDGE)) [taking his time looking the three up and down…paused] “That’s what you say, Mr. Murphy. I think this is a case of ‘Ipso Facto’ or, “the facts speak for themselves” and the appearance of these three speaks volumes. The question, Mr. Murphy, is how much bond are you willing to forfeit or how much time are your clients willing to serve?” [banging the gavel] “Guilty!”

((QUEENB)) [jumping up and shouting] “We have no money and we have plane tickets to leave day after tomorrow!”

((JUDGE)) “Sit down and keep quiet!” “$20,000. dollars or 5 days in jail for each of you.” “Next case!”

Xavier was crushed and we were dumbstruck as to what to do next. We decided to just return to the bar at Whistling Bird and drink, err…think about it a little more. Xavier said he had to get back to Kingston so we said our goodbyes before returning to the van.
The conversation on the return trip to Negril went something like this…..

((SALA)) “Wow! $20,000 is a lot of money but 5 days isn’t all that bad. They will be kept in the Little London lockup and we will be able to visit them.”

((EDDIE COCCOZA)) “Boy! The courts in Jamaica are hard!” “Much harder than expected!”“ “Reminds me of home!”

[everyone just shakes their head]

((TEA’OOM)) “Why don’t we stop at an Internet Café and post a request for help on the “Westside Wanderings” forum?” [looking optimistic]

((SIENNA2)) “People won’t believe what you write! They will think you are SUSSing them and will just laugh about it.”

((OHLIZ)) “You might be right but we have to try something. Accompong98, why don’t you post something on the forum for us?”

((ACCOMPONG98)) “Okay, I will try but like Sienna says, I don’t think it will do any good. Worth a try, I guess. Drop me off at the HiLo Center and I will post something and then catch a Route Cab up to Whistling Bird later, okay?”

Accompong98 gets out of the van and the rest of us return to Whistling Bird and the solace of the bar. About an hour later…..

((ACCOMPONG98)) [walking up to the bar and pointing behind him] “Look who I found getting out of a taxi out front.” [following him were Goldilocks and Tvman3]

((GOLDILOCKS)) “Accompong98 told us about what happened last night and this morning in court. What a bummer! We have to do something.

((TVMAN3)) “I got some real connections in Billy’s Bay, perhaps I can find someone there to help us.”

((MAGIC)) [acting presidential and taking command] “Okay. Everyone be quiet, I have to think! Okay, long enough. Nope, I haven’t a clue. Maybe we should post a Topic of the Week..’What would you do if you found yourself in jail in Jamaica?’” [looks around for approval] [none] “Okay, let’s form a committee and I will be chairman. What does everyone think about that idea? [no thoughts expressed]

((OHLIZ)) “Let’s have another drink and talk about it some more!” [everyone cheers!]

People keep drinkin’, plottin’ and thinkin’. Down to two options: Winning the Lotto or staging a Jail Break! (what will our intrepid Bash-eer’s do next?…Find out soon!)

[geocox]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

This is truly uncomfortable, I cant finish this story, bill has me in the "clink". I was close last trip to Jamaica. Now I'm "IN" the slammer, with some soon to be close friends.... Hummm....Small cells... two guys..... one woman... I don't like these odds. The other prisoners are looking at us with a look I have never seen......." GET ME OUT BILL!!!!" g

[Motown]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

...and just how did I miss THIS? I just read this thread for the first time today!

Excellent Bill, this could be a sitcom! I feel like I know all of the characters and I've only actually MET 2.....GREAT WORK!
Thankyou Thankyou... [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[Lady Blue Drawers]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

...Pong and Sienna how could you both scandal me so [img]/forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]

Pong what did you do? Have a hidden video camera and hire a private investigator and follow me around and record every Jamaican vacation that me take since the very beginning? [img]/forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]

Me really, really, really, really vex wid this, you hear? [img]/forums/images/graemlins/mad.gif[/img]

Sincerely,

De Tea'Ooman

Ooops, mi neva mean fe sign mi nyame tuh dis rahtid ting [img]/forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]

[img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

[goldilocks]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

Well, it's about time I caught up wid de bashment.....Nice to meet you, TVman.

***fool dankey finally gave up and sat down on de beach afta we followed the "Vicki" thru de starm****

[accompong98]

Re: OFFISHAL TOURIST SUSS REPORT! NEGRIL BASHMENT.

Looks like they have to remain in Jail until I get some replys to the post in "Westside Wanderings" where you, the reader, get to influence the outcome of the story and possibly the lives of our Basheers!! [img]/forums/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]