prayer circle

[Grayskull]

Re: prayer circle

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: TSmall</div><div class="ubbcode-body">All I can say for me is, I can easily visualize myself as a child. In this world when we are children we don't trouble ourselves with the big problems of the world. We KNOW that our parents will handle everything. We don't worry about money and food and the big stuff. Well it's the same thing, we are children and YOUR creator is the parent. In this, same way, you let go of the problem, trusting YOUR parent will care for you and your needs.

Trust me I am a person who likes to control most things in my world, so letting go, giving it up and living in faith isn't easy for me to do. But if there is one thing that I am learning living here in Jamaica is to do this.

Ever wonder why when you're in Jamaica and you see people who seem calm and when you ask them how they are doing, they reply, I give thanks for life. Where there is life there is hope. Well they are living in faith. They know things may not look perfect but they still have life.

It's not easy, not at all. But I have been through so much that the stories would scare you. But I have made it through. And each day I am learning to trust my Creator more and more.

Just the other day I was talking to a friend in Europe and I said, you know sometimes I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing at all. He responded to me by saying, he sat in one place for 14 years doing what he knew was the right thing, barely making it and now his break has come. He said, this is life and we have to have faith and continue to live a clean life.

This is where I'm at and I hear you loud and clear.

As a child grab your Creator's hand, look pon your Creator and as a child give HIM glory and ask for guidance.

It doesn't always happen in OUR time, but HIS time.

</div></div>
See I don't get this. I understand your words, but see when I was a kid if I got hurt or cried my mom was there to hold me and make me believe it would be better, I don't know how to let God do that. I have always wondered how Jamaicans do it. To be honest lately I've been blaming living in Toronto for my feelings of spiritual disconnect. I feel so far removed from God living here, it's possibly just me having a scapegoat though. How do I grab God's hand and let him lead? People say you just do but I don't get it. I want to I truly want to but I don't feel like I've ever been able. maybe as a kid but as an adult I just feel like I have no idea how anymore. I hope no one thinks I'm arguing, I'm not saying anyone is wrong, it's ME that feels wrong, I just want to understand what I'm not getting.

[Nanook]

Re: prayer circle

Oh Grayskull, I can so feel your pain through your words. I have been where you are and it was not pretty. I don't really know how I survived but it wasn't alone. I had a lot of help from good friends and though it was everything at the time, it wasn't enough on it's own. I did have to stand on my two legs and do daily battle just to survive and not loose everything I had worked for, including my home. And yes, it went on for years even though I fought with every ounce of energy I had.

The thing about it all now that I look back is that it was a huge lesson in humility. <span style="font-weight: bold">A lesson that I am NOT in control. </span><span style="font-weight: bold">HE IS&gt;</span>

Without writing my life story I'll just say that I had a very great job, made enough money to live comfortably and spend 8 weeks a year in Jamaica. Then one day I went to work and found out we'd been sold to a South African company. I fought to get out of there I had no intention of staying. Had I known that within a year I'd find myself disabled and unable to walk or work at all; well.... I wouldn't have gone down that path. It was what I chose however, and there is no do-over. .

I found a job that was just as good but I also found myself not able to work at all anymore about the same time so I couldn't keep it . My whole body was ridden with arthritis and I needed two new hips but that still wouldn't fix me, it only made it so I can walk. I found myself with no marketable skills because I spent my life doing hard physical labor man jobs and though they paid wonderful, just thinking about doing them now makes me hurt!

I had all kinds of early retirement goals and plans and was half killing myself to meet them. In reality, I now know that they were just dreams because <span style="font-weight: bold">God is in charge</span> and he might not let you realize what you want no matter how hard you work for it.

All kinds of bad things went on for years and lots of peeps who have been here for that time heard me *****in about it every step of the way too! I always leave out the personal stuff so I won't go into any of that, but the highlight was in between hip replacements when my pump house burned down one December and I spent 5 months hauling water from 5 miles away in middle of serious winter in 20 below for my horse all of my dogs and every drop of water I used. Oh, the laundromat sucked too! And I could hardly walk in the first place. It seriously sucked to be me...

Anyway, the day the pumphouse burned down I was out there that early December morning trying to make the pump work. I had already been getting my lessons in <span style="font-weight: bold"><span style="font-style: italic">&quot;I am not in control&quot; </span></span> the previous weeks while we were out there trying to make my water work and it wasn't happening. The morning of my fire I went out to the building and tried in vain to fix it crying and begging God that I NEED water, I had already been carrying it for over a month and it was killing me and and I was sure I couldn't do it anymore!

An hour later the building burned to the ground. Talk about dispair! Oh it was bad....



Getting water 5 months later didn't help a thing. It just led to more and more road blocks. My sewer caved in, my hot water heater blew up and fried my wiring. All this after I spent 5 months thinking having water would be the end of my problems! That was the summer that I had to make the decision to have the love of my life...my horse of 26 years put down after he had a stroke. That was pretty much the breaking point. It wasn't the end of the trials though.

<span style="font-weight: bold">OH MAN, I SURE WAS NOT THE ONE IN CONTROL but I did not stop trying!!! HE WAS....</span>

Trials and tribulations continued for about another year and a half. Yeah, I'm, talking about 6 years worth of real hard time, pure hell on earth.

I swear there were times I just wanted to give up! But I'm a stubborn one. I'm one of those people that are annoyingly able to laugh and stay positive on the outside, no matter what happens and there were times that was hard but I did it anyway. Oh yeah, I was depressed as hell but I wouldn't let myself dwell because the dark place is no fun....

I guess that's where the beads came in and saved me. Oh my precious beads, where I could lose myself for days and weeks and months on end... and my dogs who needed me and my good friends who were there to lean on, though I hardly did cause I was afraid they would get sick of me. They didn't, and they were there for me, it's what we do for each other as true friends.

Somehow I came though it all <span style="font-weight: bold">ON HIS TIME</span>. How I managed I really don't know. I'm really stubborn and I refuse to give up I guess. And, I firmly believe that you are not given more than you can handle. I see I wrote a book here but just trying to let you know you can do this and not to ever give up. Never ever. No matter what...or for how long.

IT WILL GET BETTER

Only God knows when and the one thing I will never understand about life is why so many people must suffer so severely and face such seemingly insurmountable obstacles in spite of how hard they work to get out of the strife. That part was an eye opener for me. I had always believed that if you work hard you will succeed. From this lesson I learned compassion.

Hang in there Gray!

I hope you have friends that you can lean on, and an interest in something that you can delve into doing that will help you focus on something other than the hard times when you have the extra time on your hands. Otherwise it is hard not to dwell, I know. I could teach you to bead! :-)

Good luck with the job prospect! I hope that you can grab this position and this be the end of your struggle for this time around. Not just hope, but some prayers thrown in for good measure too!


Like the phoenix in my signature, you too...shall rise from the ashes.

[Stormmey]

Re: prayer circle

Nookie you are a strong Lady
you make me feel embarassed you know from when I been sitting on my [censored]

(((((Nookie))))))

[Nanook]

Re: prayer circle

Stormmey , I know you have your trials as well. It's the way life is, nobody gets out unscathed...

I'm more stubborn than strong.

I didn't post all that diatribe for me though. I was hoping Grayskull might see that things will get better, and not to give up no matter what. When the creator decides it's time to end our strife he will. We have to keep fighting the good fight no matter what, even if we keep getting kicked when we're down...

[hannahcommunications]

Re: prayer circle

Nanook - I hope this helps Grayskull because I know your post helped me--and I am a religious person. Sometimes I feel like I'm going through the motions and I need to be shaken up...just reading your powerful words (and remembering some of your experiences) has given me a certain kind of strength that I needed today. I'm one of those people that believes God is in each of us and at different times and places our words, our actions, our existence--can serve to help someone else.

Thank you

[Grayskull]

Re: prayer circle

Thanks nanook, but I don't know if I can take more of this, it's so heavy and it hurts so much. I'm tired of being depressed and faking my smile around people. I'm tired of being the only one in my circle that has nothing to wake up to do, no one to wake up to, no reason to even be. that's how it feels right now and again I'm sorry to all who just find me negative and depressing but I'm begging for help and what you're hearing is how I'm feeling, I want it to change I want out, I want to leave it in God's hands but I'm scared, I'm hurting and I'm confused.

[QK13]

Re: prayer circle

Everyday that I wake up breathing I think I'm still ahead of the game.
I think when I lost my very good friend back in 2000 is when I started really letting go of old hurts and failures and really just started living while I still can.

My frend Sara was 27. A brilliant MIT graduate student who majored in Bilogy and was working on her Phd in reasearch biology. She was also very down to earth and fun and loving and extremely kind.

We all had dinner on a Wednesday night and laughed til we cried. The next day on her way to her first day at work at Franklin Park Zoo, we believe she took a wrong turn and ended up having to cross the Tobin Bridge and get off in Chelsea. Total opposite of where she was going.

As her car sat waiting for a light to change, a tractor trailoer hauling 10,000 pounds of corn lost it's brakes on what was the steepest off ramp on the east coast and ran over her likkle Subaru from behind. The truck then tipped over on the subaru and burst in to flames.
The coroner said she died instantly. I pray that it's true.
The driver jumped from the cab and ran a mile before he was caught. He was unlicensed, uninsured and they found coke &amp; weed in the truck. The truck had failed 3 previous safety inspections and the driver and his truck should never have bee on the road.
It shook me like nothing had ever shaken me before.
Simple case of wrong place wrong time. But so totally out of her control.
8 hours after we were all together, one of us was gone. Forever.

In the following week, I lost 2 more old friends. One to cancer another to a head on collision while trying to pass a truck.

I decided to try and just let go of things and not stress over what seems so important. Life is so short and for some even shorter. We don't know when we'll be taken. So, I leave it in the hands of a higher power to help me make the right decisions. I don't dwell on things that I cannot fix or control.

(((GS)))

[trelawnysmall]

Re: prayer circle

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Grayskull</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Thanks nanook, but I don't know if I can take more of this, it's so heavy and it hurts so much. I'm tired of being depressed and faking my smile around people. I'm tired of being the only one in my circle that has nothing to wake up to do, no one to wake up to, no reason to even be. that's how it feels right now and again I'm sorry to all who just find me negative and depressing but I'm begging for help and what you're hearing is how I'm feeling, I want it to change I want out, I want to leave it in God's hands but I'm scared, I'm hurting and I'm confused.

</div></div>

Maybe you need some type of hands on intervention right now in your life. I've been there, many of us have. Feeling like a failure, who hasn't been there. Feeling like nothing is working, been there too.

Suck up your pride and find some help. Call a church or a hot line or a good friend. You need someone to help you in a critical manner, and hey, that's ok. Just do this one thing for yourself. When you can't see to get past it and your connections seem to not be there, anywhere, there are people who can help you.

Again I suggest you suck up your pride if it gets in the way and do this for yourself. Sometime in the future, you will come back and tell us how you made it past this road block.

With love in my heart for you, as a struggling brother, I say reach out to get some help. There is free help available to you and people here on the board who can assist you in finding those numbers if you need their help.

Like I said in my first post to you, I know nothing about you, so there can be no judgment, but I know God created you out of love and wants the best for you. You and I and everyone else, we all deserve a good life.

[Nanook]

Re: prayer circle

Wise words TSmall...

(((GS)))

[Grayskull]

Re: prayer circle

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: TSmall</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

Maybe you need some type of hands on intervention right now in your life. I've been there, many of us have. Feeling like a failure, who hasn't been there. Feeling like nothing is working, been there too.

Suck up your pride and find some help. Call a church or a hot line or a good friend. You need someone to help you in a critical manner, and hey, that's ok. Just do this one thing for yourself. When you can't see to get past it and your connections seem to not be there, anywhere, there are people who can help you.

Again I suggest you suck up your pride if it gets in the way and do this for yourself. Sometime in the future, you will come back and tell us how you made it past this road block.

With love in my heart for you, as a struggling brother, I say reach out to get some help. There is free help available to you and people here on the board who can assist you in finding those numbers if you need their help.

Like I said in my first post to you, I know nothing about you, so there can be no judgment, but I know God created you out of love and wants the best for you. You and I and everyone else, we all deserve a good life.
</div></div>

I do need that. I'm not sure where to start looking though. for the free help I mean. I know I can try church but I don't feel connected to anyone at the church I've gone too.

anyone here from Toronto have any suggerstions I'm open to hear them. and thanks everyone for the love and concern, it means a lot.

[Bandana]

Re: prayer circle

<span style="font-style: italic"><span style="font-size: 11pt">Don't Quit Poem
by anonymous

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must; but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow;
You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit;
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

</span></span>

[hannahcommunications]

Re: prayer circle

Hi Grayskull - I agree with TSmall re: the benefit of hands on intervention by people who know what their doing. Since we have a national health plan here (Toronto) could I suggest you see your family physician for a referral to an appropriate therapist? With a referral from an M.D. your visit may be covered under OHIP.

If you don't have a regular M.D. or if it takes too long to get an appointment - walk into any one of the walk-in clinics here.

It's a blessing to live here in Toronto - you need not feel you are alone with these feelings and we have an excellent support network here. Again your doctor will be able to assist or you can call a local hospital for information on finding a Therapist who accepts OHIP.

I hope this helps.

[Nanook]

Re: prayer circle

(((Grayskull))).

Give thanks for StAnnMuse's suggestions!

Do something nice for yourself today. Treat yourself in the manner in which you would if you ran across a friend in distress.

Hang in there man...

[Stormmey]

Re: prayer circle

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Grayskull</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Thanks nanook, but I don't know if I can take more of this, it's so heavy and it hurts so much. I'm tired of being depressed and faking my smile around people. I'm tired of being the only one in my circle that has nothing to wake up to do, no one to wake up to, no reason to even be. that's how it feels right now and again I'm sorry to all who just find me negative and depressing but I'm begging for help and what you're hearing is how I'm feeling, I want it to change I want out, I want to leave it in God's hands but I'm scared, I'm hurting and I'm confused.

</div></div>

(((((GS))))

I didn't find you negative I just felt your pain and know you're hurting. I hope your situation changes soon for the better. I have been there and back in my 26 years, cannot say it was financial, but I was still in pain!! I have (or learning)to let go of much of the hurt and getting even.

I know your situation is different from mine.....hang in there bro....when you hit rock bottom there is only one place to go and that is <span style="font-weight: bold">UP</span>Hoping you find a job soon.

[Grayskull]

Re: prayer circle

Thanks all. I was actually going to make an appointment with my family doctor on Monday, see if he can refer me to someone to talk to. I don't know honestly how more talking will help but I'm willing to try it and open to anything positive they suggest. I might be wrong and maybe I will have the experience Nanook had, but right now it feels like a good job is all I need and the rest will fall into place, I could be wrong as Nanook was with the water experience, but it feels like that's the one obstacle blocking everything else. Maybe it's deeper than that, maybe it's not I don't know but not being able to work and losing the things that mean the most to me because of that, it's very emasculating and hurts like hell.

Thanks to everyone for the love and compassion. as much as I still feel low, I don't feel as alone. thank you so much.