Somebody tell a joke or something ...

[Tropicana]

Good idea, there seem to be some really uptight people around here.

Jamaican Man: ello, ello! Is dis 119?

Police say: Yes! What's your emergency??!

Man replied: Two woman ah fight over me!

Police: What's wrong with that??

Man replied: HURRY up an forwud Nuh!!! The ugly one ah win

[Peasie]

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

This is very true

[Tropicana]

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat

[j-kid]

Yuh kno, dis wan from yuh is actually funny, fi ah change!

Jamaican Man: ello, ello! Is dis 119?

Police say: Yes! What's your emergency??!

Man replied: Two woman ah fight over me!

Police: What's wrong with that??

Man replied: HURRY up an forwud Nuh!!! The ugly one ah win

[Tropicana]

What do you mean for a change?

I tell a LOT of funny jokes.

[mountaingal]

Bob Hope Jokes

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only
downhill'.

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel
anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HISCAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,

Congratulations, youhave an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
stuff the audience threw at me.'

old ski-slope nose Bob Hop. funny guy, i was lucky (old..?) enough to catch some of his schtick on variety shows in my youth. i believe he was a brit by birth.

[j-kid]

It noh count, if ongle yuh wan laugh.

What do you mean for a change?

I tell a LOT of funny jokes.

[Tropicana]

[Tropicana]

• A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

[Tropicana]

• A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

[Tropicana]

• There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure?

The Blonde, she was 18.

[j-kid]

Dis wan too!

• A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

[Wahalla]

I went for a job interview as a handyman,

The guy said “what makes you suitable for this job? Were you an electrician?”

“no” I said.

“a Plumber?” he asked

“no” I said.

“A Joiner?”

“no” I said.

“so why do you think you are suitable to be a handyman?” He asked

I said I only live round the corner....

[remo]

Dis one veddy old it is called ex zaccery disease

Woman went to see chinese Doctor with unasual complaint....She said I can't get no dates
what's wrong with me Doc how come the guys don't stick around?
Doctor says Oh my teck clowethes off ..get on hand and knee's an kraawl veddy veddy fast to odder side of room
she did
Doc says now Kraawl veddy veddy fast back towards me..She did

Doctor said me see you problem yuh gats ex zaccery disease
Patient said whats that
Doctor say YUH FACE LOOK EX XACCERY LIKE YUH A$$

sorry

[Peasie]

Reminds me of the old insult: If my dog had a face like yours, I would shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards.

Sorry