I would like some opinions

**ZaraJah** · 08-07-2007, 11:30 AM

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: SueSumba</div><div class="ubbcode-body">i'm wondering how successful she'd actually be in leaving this man. women who are in abusive relationships, have been brainwashed & programmed by their abusers to think that they don't deserve any better. this stuff has been going on for seven years with the freeloader.

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/smile.gif[/img]

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Precisely! Look at the level of threat he delivered to HER poor MOTHER. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/mad2.gif[/img] Ohhh, that made me soo angry. Not only has he successfully washed her brain, but he has his and her family on LOCK!

This is crazy. I would have his asss deported and raise my child ALONE! He would not deserve the luxury of watching him grow. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70400-talktohand.gif[/img]

**Nunya** · 08-07-2007, 11:35 AM

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mrs. MarieK</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

she'd be very succesful S, simply because she hasn't been fully brainwashed yet. Hey she has the sense to notice that he's a freeloader and she is being burned out, but I give her two more occasions and she's be completely gone.

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I don't know about the 'very' part. She's still vacillating... something about him still draws her... Like I said, there's stuff that she's not revealed...

**julie*mango** · 08-07-2007, 11:41 AM

Re: I would like some opinions

This is really sad. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/frown.gif[/img] I don't know what to tell you. You seem to be on the right track as it is. I know it is hard for someone to leave a situation like this, especially when a child is involved. My mother always told me to love God first then self second then the rest will fall in place. I hope you make the right decision that will suit both you and your son. ((((((Debs))))))) [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70459-hugs.gif[/img]

**MarieK** · 08-07-2007, 11:51 AM

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Domestic violence is a problem we can solve, said Christie Espiritu, Volunteer UCF director of domestic violence. She invited the audience to listen to one victim's story, watch a skit and make a banner by dipping their hands in finger paint - as a promise to never commit domestic violence against someone and to help those who are victims.

"I may not know it and others around me may not know it, but I am sure there are students who are in abusive relationships," Espiritu said. "And hopefully [students] will want to get involved in ending domestic abuse."

But it was Laura Williams' testimonial that moved some of the audience to tears.

As a former administrative secretary in a prosecutor's office, she'd seen cases of battered women and said she couldn't understand the complexity of the issue until it happened to her. She thought there was a simple solution - walk away when he treats you badly, leave when he hits you.

Her second husband, Dan, never hit her, but he justified his verbal and emotional abuse as bad days at work. "I was walking on eggshells with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," Williams said. She denied there was a problem to a co-worker and to herself until one incident, when she saw the look of fear on her children's faces.

"[It's] simple until you realize you've allowed him to alienate you from your friends and family," she said. "And you feel as though there's nowhere you can turn for emotional support or to have your feelings validated."

Williams separated from her husband soon after. One night while her youngest daughter, Sarah, was spending the night at his house, Dan fired four bullets into her chest. He called 911, but committed suicide while he was on the telephone.

Williams held up a picture of her daughter for the audience to see. "The safety of a child cannot be taken for granted," she said.
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Flannery said women should look for warning signs - an abuser tends to have unrealistic expectations of the victim and isolates him or her from friends and family.

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">At first glance many people would have thought Pam Butler's life was near ideal. She grew up in a stable and loving family. Her parents owned a nice home in affluent Palo Alto, California. Her younger brother and sister were successful in their academic, personal and professional lives. Pam was a popular cheer leader in high school. In college she graduated with a degree in fine arts and later supported herself as an artist. Then her world was ripped apart.

She met Michael Braga, a charismatic but troubled man who had a series of unsuccessful jobs and a drinking problem. At first he was extremely attentive and romantic, learning everything he could about Pam and her likes and dislikes. "He swept me off my feet!" They were married a short time afterwards. Pam now says, "If something looks too good to be true it probably is."

Michael started to control Pam in ways that she now knows are characteristic of batterers. "He tried and partially succeeded in limiting my contact with my friends and family, in controlling my money and living space. He became pushy and demanding of sex with no respect for my feelings. He picked away at my confidence and self-esteem. He stopped working and focused instead on drinking, pornography, and abuse. How dare he pretend to be someone so completely different than who he really was."

Michael's treatment of Pam degenerated into contemptuous rape and beatings interspersed with threatening demands for money and sexual favors. Several times Pam was beaten unconscious. She painfully learned to try to hide the signs of the beatings (brusies, black eyes, cuts, etc.) because she was ashamed to be in such a situation. At first she tried to believe that he would turn back into the seemingly loving and gallant man who had first presented himself to her. They were evicted twice from Pam's apartments because of all the fighting and noise. They had been married only nine months.

After several serious beatings that caused re-injury to an old skull fracture from a near fatal car accident, Pam realized that her life was in danger. She threatened to leave. "It was then that I knew I was really in danger. In between blows he told me exactly how he would torture and kill my parents in front of me, and then kill me. I knew I needed help."

Pam was "very fortunate" in enlisting the aid of a Santa Clara County Assistant District Attorney, Joyce Allegro. Ms. Allegro grasped the situation immediately. Mr. Braga was arrested and following trial was sentenced to 12 years in prison for 8 felony counts, including 2 with Great Bodily Injury (GBI), as well as terrorist threats. This is one of the longest sentences for domestic violence passed down in California history. Another first is the 50 year restraining order against Mr. Braga.

Ms. Butler dislikes the term "survivor" of domestic violence. "I will only become a survivor when Michael is dead. Until then I live in constant fear for myself and my family." Mr. Braga served 6 years & 8 months of the 12 year prison sentence. He is off parole in early 2001.

As a result of her experiences with domestic violence and the legal system she has devoted many, many hours to assisting other victims. Her efforts have lead to the creation by the county of a unique job description for her. She is the Domestic Violence Victim Advocate for the County of Santa Clara's Social Services Agency. Ms. Butler has gone on to be a national speaker on domestic violence. She has participated in documentaries, done trainings for various professionals (doctors, lawyers, police, teachers), and has been interviewed by the major television networks.

Ms. Butler was instrumental in creating a seat for a Former Victim on the Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Council and was then the first person to hold that position. She has spent over seven and a half years on the Council and many of its subcommittees. She also established the first 'Victim's Voice' Committee - a subcommitte of the Domestic Violence Council consisting of victims of domestic violence. Throughout this period she has continued to develop her own unique style of victim advocacy. She works intimately with victims helping them to find both inner and outer resources to deal with the traumas of abuse, recovery and the legal systems.

Ms. Butler can be reached by email at [email protected] or by telephoning (408) 488-3432.
</div></div>http://www.growing.com/nonviolent/vi...tler/index.htm

**Suesumba** · 08-07-2007, 11:56 AM

Re: I would like some opinions

" Mama told me that it does not make any sense to have him locked up and deported because if he is in Jamaica he will not get to see his son and it will be hard to get any money if at all from him."
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this is the sage advice from har so called mother. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70374-lipsrsealed.gif[/img]

**MarieK** · 08-07-2007, 11:58 AM

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: SueSumba</div><div class="ubbcode-body">" Mama told me that it does not make any sense to have him locked up and deported because if he is in Jamaica he will not get to see his son and it will be hard to get any money if at all from him."
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this is the sage advice from har so called mother. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70374-lipsrsealed.gif[/img] </div></div>

I was wondering about that too. He's not providing any money now so why will he provide any in the future and why should he see his son. Sheneeds to meet my friend who is now dealing with an out of control teenager who slapped a girl because he seen daddy do that his momma

**DebsinNY** · 08-07-2007, 12:13 PM

Re: I would like some opinions

Good morning ladies. I thank you all for your replies. I will try to answer someof your questions as best as I can.

Why do I continue to stay?

I'll be honest. Comfort. I do not like drastic changes. I do love him. And I want us to be a family. But now I realize things cannot be like I would like them to be so I am ready to make a move.

Nunya, you said I let him grab me and it was not a huge deal. It was! I fought back until he let me go. And I called a domestic abuse line because I did not want to go to the police and they documented it. This happened twice in about 4 years. Shortly after the last time we worked it out and I got pregnant with Jordan. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/blush.gif[/img] So to answer your other question about having a child to make things better, I did not have those intentions when I got pregnant. Yes, I HOPED things would be better after and yes the pregnancy was an accident but NOT a mistake! My husband has never hit me or anything since I had my son until recently. Wha the used to do was call me all sorts of names like fat [censored] (I gained about 40 lbs since my pregnancy). We argued, but never in front of my son. He drew on my deepest personal pains and used them against me when he would curse at me. You are right Nunya, I should have left a long time ago and I did not and that was yesterday. This is today. I am ready.

Mrs. Marie K...I take photos of my injuries and upload them to three different photo sites. I mentioned before that I called this domestic abuse line twice. This time tohugh I didn't call because I called the police. They took my info but said I have to come in and file an official complaint. I called a divorce attorney yesterday and he has documented it.

Suesumba, I want him to get his green card because if he is in the country I can enforce child support payments. He is no good to me in Jamaica, and it has nothing to do with seeing his son. Although I have to say he is an excellent father. My son never wants for anything, if his dad has to beg and borrow to get him what he needs then he does it. But as a role model, he does not set good examples for his son.

Sue, I don't know about how successful I'd be...and I am not "brainwashed". I saw him with what he was and I CHOSE to put up with it. Why? Naive, maybe. In love? Yes.

Zarah, I am absolutely furious, and humiliated that he told my mother that. I know the relationship they had before is now gone. The day after it happened my mother packed up and flew back to Chicago. She wanted me to pack up with Jordan and go with her but I had work obligations.

There's alot I don't care to share right now Nunya. I still love him but I can't put up with this any longer. I can't even stomach the thought of having sex with him. That part of us is over. I just want him out of my life and focus on raising my son,

**ZaraJah** · 08-07-2007, 12:24 PM

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DebsinNY</div><div class="ubbcode-body">There's alot I don't care to share right now Nunya. I still love him but I can't put up with this any longer. I can't even stomach the thought of having sex with him. That part of us is over. I just want him out of my life and focus on raising my son, </div></div>

Well, what are you waiting for? Get MOVING, NOW.

Please note:

1. Material things given to your son by his father amounts to ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, if he cannot be a role model and help his son to become a MAN.

2. Love is KIND, respectful, thoughtful and caring. That said, Love don't love nobody...so get packing!

**Suesumba** · 08-07-2007, 12:30 PM

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DebsinNY</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

Why do I continue to stay?

I'll be honest. Comfort. I do not like drastic changes. I do love him. And I want us to be a family. But now I realize things cannot be like I would like them to be so I am ready to make a move.</div></div>

hello miss lady, but your life sounds everything but comfortable doesn't even come close. just in case you don't know, i've included a definition of the word comfort to give you an idea:

Definitions of comfort on the Web:

a state of being relaxed and feeling no pain; "he is a man who enjoys his comfort"; "she longed for the comfortableness of her armchair"
a feeling of freedom from worry or disappointment
consolation: the act of consoling; giving relief in affliction; "his presence was a consolation to her"
give moral or emotional strength to
ease: a freedom from financial difficulty that promotes a comfortable state; "a life of luxury and ease"; "he had all the material comforts of this world"
lessen pain or discomfort; alleviate; "ease the pain in your legs"

https://=http://www.google.ca/search...=title]comfort

getting your hand slammed in the car till blood came out is comfort?
him calling you all kinds of names is comfort?
you working like a dawg to pay for everything while he storms off in YOUR car is comfort?

please Deb, give your head a shake.

**Gen** · 08-07-2007, 12:32 PM

Re: I would like some opinions

deport the little weasel.

**Suesumba** · 08-07-2007, 12:34 PM

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DebsinNY</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Suesumba, I want him to get his green card because if he is in the country I can enforce child support payments. He is no good to me in Jamaica, and it has nothing to do with seeing his son. Although I have to say he is an excellent father. My son never wants for anything, if his dad has to beg and borrow to get him what he needs then he does it. But as a role model, he does not set good examples for his son.
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please sunshine, don't kid yourself. if he's not supporting (not even moneywise, just with life itself) you now. he won't in the future. a family member of mine went through all the same trouble with a man - similar circumstances - she filed for him, had a child - he cheated on her - crashed her brand new car - she enforced child support. for what? $25 per month. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/rolleyes.gif[/img]

**MarieK** · 08-07-2007, 12:37 PM

Re: I would like some opinions

especially since NYS has a 17% rule so if he gets a job making 30K you'd get roughly 425 per month may be less if he can convince the judge that he actually NEEDS food and who is to say he will work, what if he shacks up with another woman and doesnt work. what will u do then.

Him baxide wudda haffi guh ok.

**Suesumba** · 08-07-2007, 12:42 PM

Re: I would like some opinions

or di dutty likkle shegga can tek wan cheap job while living at him new girlfirend yawd.

**MarieK** · 08-07-2007, 12:46 PM

Re: I would like some opinions

what about working off teh books, he can do that while holding down a 6 bucks an hour job while you get 17% of 6 bucks. is it even worth it?

**Gen** · 08-07-2007, 12:46 PM

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Zarah</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DebsinNY</div><div class="ubbcode-body">There's alot I don't care to share right now Nunya. I still love him but I can't put up with this any longer. I can't even stomach the thought of having sex with him. That part of us is over. I just want him out of my life and focus on raising my son, </div></div>

Well, what are you waiting for? Get MOVING, NOW.

Please note:

1. Material things given to your son by his father amounts to ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, if he cannot be a role model and help his some to become a MAN.

2. Love is KIND, respectful, thoughtful and caring. That said, Love don't love nobody...so get packing! </div></div>

dyam skippy

I would like some opinions

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