I would like some opinions

[MarieK]

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Serenity82</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nunya</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Serenity82</div><div class="ubbcode-body">He is your husband. How about trying counseling. But if he hits you ONE MORE TIME..kick him out.. </div></div>
One more time??? What, two's the limit???? [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70392-silly.gif[/img] </div></div>

They're married. I saw give him one more chance. </div></div>

oh suh married ooman cyaan dead

[MarieK]

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: TSmall</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: SandiF</div><div class="ubbcode-body">so wah mek yu delete yu post? </div></div>

SandiF ~ i wrote it from the heart, but then I remembered [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70402-thinking.gif[/img] from not so long ago, that this bb is not the place for me to discuss my personal life.

I know there to be too many bad minded, [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/mad.gif[/img] two faced, [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/icon_hug.gif[/img] back stabing, [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/throwstone.gif[/img] sinister [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/fight.gif[/img] people lurking around, that when they get their feather's ruffled up or panties in a knot, they attack in a way that, truthfully, Im just not up for the fight right now. I may email it to Debs, but not for the masses.
Not me.
But hey, thanks for asking. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70459-hugs.gif[/img] </div></div>

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/frown.gif[/img] sad but true, times change eeh TSmall. I hope Deb got to read it

[kia027]

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nunya</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Serenity82</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
They're married. I saw give him one more chance. </div></div>

Gaa yuh bed. Caw yuh too young fi dis yah awgiment yah... </div></div>

:ditto: [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/704555_dwl.gif[/img]

[DebsinNY]

Re: I would like some opinions

I just read all your replies and alot of you are saying to take his threats seriously but I know that he is a PUNK and a WUSS and I know him. He does that to me, his mother, his siblings, his friends, and never materializes. Thinking he can intimidate you by threatening all kinds of things. I have been with this man for SEVEN YEARS. I KNOW him.


I have an appointment this afternoon to see a divorce attorney then I am going to have a restraining order filed and have him removed from my home. I have NOT told him anything. He will probably hate me after this but I love me so I really don't care. I mean, he's been super nice since, he has CLEANED on his OWN initiative, he's out in the yard doing work I didn't have to nag him about, just the man he should have been before all this. Too late. I am ready.



I did a double last night so I did not get in til 8 this morning. Don't know when I will get some rest but I have the day off so sometime later this afternoon after I deal with my appointments and pick up my son. Thanks again for all your help and advice. Soryr to hear of you women who have been through similar or worse situations. Let us pray that we will all stay strong and follow through.

[Shine_Eye_Girl]

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DebsinNY</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I just read all your replies and alot of you are saying to take his threats seriously but I know that he is a PUNK and a WUSS and I know him. He does that to me, his mother, his siblings, his friends, and never materializes. Thinking he can intimidate you by threatening all kinds of things. I have been with this man for SEVEN YEARS. I KNOW him.


I have an appointment this afternoon to see a divorce attorney then I am going to have a restraining order filed and have him removed from my home. I have NOT told him anything. He will probably hate me after this but I love me so I really don't care. I mean, he's been super nice since, he has CLEANED on his OWN initiative, he's out in the yard doing work I didn't have to nag him about, just the man he should have been before all this. Too late. I am ready.



I did a double last night so I did not get in til 8 this morning. Don't know when I will get some rest but I have the day off so sometime later this afternoon after I deal with my appointments and pick up my son. Thanks again for all your help and advice. Soryr to hear of you women who have been through similar or worse situations. Let us pray that we will all stay strong and follow through. </div></div>

I wish you luck with your next steps..... [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70459-hugs.gif[/img]

I just hope your next steps are based on how you feel and not the "hype" given here about what you should do.

Good Luck and stay strong...... [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img]

[Nanook]

Re: I would like some opinions

Well Deb I am glad to hear you are actually going to do something about getting this jerk out of your life before he kills you. I was reading this thread last night and this man is very disturbed. Might I add that leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time. Many women have underestimated their abusers and when trying to leave end up 6 feet under.

You might want to consider going to a safe house for battered women. He wouldn't be able to find you there and you cold make arrangements to get your things and maybe re-locate to Chicago from there. Have you contacted a local agency for abused women before&gt; The people there have all been down the same road and really do knw how to help you.

[ZaraJah]

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nanook</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Well Deb I am glad to hear you are actually going to do something about getting this jerk out of your life before he kills you. I was reading this thread last night and this man is very disturbed. Might I add that leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time. Many women have underestimated their abusers and when trying to leave end up 6 feet under. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img]

You might want to consider going to a safe house for battered women. He wouldn't be able to find you there and you cold make arrangements to get your things and maybe re-locate to Chicago from there. Have you contacted a local agency for abused women before&gt; The people there have all been down the same road and really do knw how to help you. </div></div>

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img] I couldn't have said it better.

I have nothing more to add except BEST OF LUCK to you Debs and BE VERY CAREFUL.

[turtledude]

Re: I would like some opinions

debs [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/wavey.gif[/img] ...I read first two pages of this thread and it was about all I could handle. straight up!...one has to wonder about a person who seeks comfort in the status quo....when the status quo consists of nothing but discomfort. You are right about not talking to relatives....cuz there are a million better resources out there for women in your situation. You might start by making a journal of your daily activities and thoughts...then review it in a week. You might find that pipedreams are fueling a desire for martyrdom. Maybe its time to find some REAL self-esteem somewhere. I don't think your value as a human being has to be tied to your willingness to sacrifice yourself to another person's dysfunction. So yur "not putting out" is a problem? What would happen if you, say, were not able to work,...or got breast cancer, or something happened to your child, or his mother died and he couldn't get his Sunday meals,...or... [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70384-praying.gif[/img]

[tuffstuff]

Re: I would like some opinions

wowwowwowwowow!!! DAMMMmmmmmmmm!!!

Ahm wah the question, divorce now or later? That yu asking. So wat you getting out of this union Debs? Love- hmm not so much, Sex- ahm vomitous, Support- to help you spend you hard earned $$, Praise- oh at elast yu provide car fi him drive round in, fatty, self improvement- one less finger mean easier manicure?

sound like him best trait is parenting. so deal wid dat and done. bump the love part fi now, cause you will always doubt if him doing it for you or the green card. Face that truth!

At this stage oonu nuh need fi pretend fi be lovers. Mek him know dat yu wont stand ina the way of the green card, that will be your charitable donation. But you have certain thing yu need him fi do from now to then. ANd just list them to him and know they will be provided- he need to care for the child period. It might mean that him move to him mommy where him can get all the oxtail an rice an peas him want, or it mite mean a nex bedroom (or couch), but cease the facade and start try live yu life mygirl.

'Every mickle make a muckle' is the expression you was hunting for. I guess everybody here saying that him likkle $50 nuh mean nutn, but dont focus on the mickle or the muckle (the money )- he is still you childs father, and your child needs him. Keep him in the child's life, but open yours up for happiniss.

It nuh pretty, but you haffi deal wid di deck yu have.

[MarieK]

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: tuffstuff</div><div class="ubbcode-body">wowwowwowwowow!!! DAMMMmmmmmmmm!!!

Ahm wah the question, divorce now or later? That yu asking. So wat you getting out of this union Debs? Love- hmm not so much, Sex- ahm vomitous, Support- to help you spend you hard earned $$, Praise- oh at elast yu provide car fi him drive round in, fatty, self improvement- one less finger mean easier manicure?

sound like him best trait is parenting. so deal wid dat and done. bump the love part fi now, cause you will always doubt if him doing it for you or the green card. Face that truth!

At this stage oonu nuh need fi pretend fi be lovers. Mek him know dat yu wont stand ina the way of the green card, that will be your charitable donation. But you have certain thing yu need him fi do from now to then. ANd just list them to him and know they will be provided- he need to care for the child period. It might mean that him move to him mommy where him can get all the oxtail an rice an peas him want, or it mite mean a nex bedroom (or couch), but cease the facade and start try live yu life mygirl.

'Every mickle make a muckle' is the expression you was hunting for. I guess everybody here saying that him likkle $50 nuh mean nutn, but dont focus on the mickle or the muckle (the money )- he is still you childs father, and your child needs him. Keep him in the child's life, but open yours up for happiniss.

It nuh pretty, but you haffi deal wid di deck yu have. </div></div>

yuh nuh hear di ooman seh she italian hwo yuh spec har fi undastan all a disya

[Suesumba]

Re: I would like some opinions

~~~~~~~~~~ faint weh ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tuffstuff showing compassion [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/eek2.gif[/img]

[tuffstuff]

Re: I would like some opinions

gwey gal- yu nuh know say mi rent passion every WEd from 2-4 pm [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/704555_dwl.gif[/img]

OOnu serious bout the DV ting, and mi undastand dat, but mi nuh see why pickney fi suffa fi the sins of a father. She say him is a good daddy, so let his kid get wat him fi get. She seem fi concern bout $$- try go after it yes, but nuh chase it to yu grave. All yu know him as now is daddy, and not in the 'who's your daddy;' way [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/eek.gif[/img]

btw Debs, fighting while driving is not the wisest choice [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/eek.gif[/img] yu wi look back pan that and [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/eek.gif[/img] one day. Iffa did me inna di car, chuss me, teh police woulda get call, cause taht car would be in a ditch somewhere afta we done strungling

[rufian]

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DebsinNY</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I have been a lurker for many years and I know what a rough crowd you are so please take it easy on me. (lol) I am having some trouble in my marriage and I don't feel comfortable discussing it with any of my close friends or relatives.


Now I met my husband 7 years ago and in the beginning of our relationship we have had high highs and really low lows, but we've always managed to pull through. This round though, I don't think I have the strength to make it work.


I think you should start out by knowing that my husband is Jamaican and I am Italian American. I know where your minds are going, and no we did not get married to get him his visa, and no it was not because of the sex either. I must admit that he did not have his papers when I met him but his mother and siblings are citizens/ legal aliens and his mother did file for him. However, about 2 years or so after we got married I decided to go ahead and file for him because it would be much quicker.


We have a very active 3 and a half y.o. son. My husband adores him. I think he is the only joy that we share as 99% of the time we don't see each other and when we do alot of arguing takes place.


Now, I am an LPN and I work days, nights, weekends, holidays, and regularly, I do double shifts. My husband does not have a steady job but does odd jobs here and there. Most times he is home in the days with our son. Other days he just drops him off at his mother's house and is on the road all day until late at night. It grieves me to have to leave work after doing an 7-3, come home, the house is a mess, dishes piled up to the ceiling, and him expecting me to cook!!! Mind you, I have to be back at work by 11pm! He has no sympathy on me. Then when I do cook he expects this big spread of Jamaican food. I like to make quick meals. Anything with pasta, casseroles, 1 dish meals. He claims he does not like "yankee food" as it cannot fill him like Jamaican food. I try to do Sunday dinners with rice and peas and chicken and roast beef or some other meat but I cannot keep up so most Sundays he is over in Brooklyn at his mother's house.

So back to the heart of the matter, I have not had alot of sex with my husband for the longest. Once or twice a week at most. I am tired from having to work, then come home and take care of my son and the house. He has more free time than I do and does not even wash his own clothes.


Now recently, he asked him to go somewhere to collect something for me and he told me to come along for the ride which I did. I sat in the car while he started griping that I was not giving him enough sex and that he was going to leave me and find someone else who would give him more. I said to him tha tif he wants to leave that was his choice and I was not going to beg him to stay. I was so nonchalant that I think it began to bother him that I was not responding how he expected to his threats. He started yelling at me and calling me all sorts of names and accused me of cheating on him so that was why I didn't want to have sex with him. I just laughed when he said that and said "Yeah, you're right, I'm cheating on you, and I'm enjoying it." As I said that all I could feel was the palm of his hand across my cheek.

I was shocked. He's grabbed me before but never actually hit me in anger. I went nuts on him. I doubled my small fists and pounded on him. All this was happening while we were driving. I grabbed his head and got a hold of his neck and started clawing. The car is swerving all over the place during this. He breaks free and grabs my left hand and starts wringing it. At this point I am yelling for help. I wind down the window with my free hand and yell for help. I beg for someone to call 911. I try to reach in the center console for my cell. He slams it down on my hand injuring my finger badly. There is blood everywhere now.


This took place on the way home. As soon as we pull up in the driveway I fly inside past my mother in the kitchen (sheh just happened to be visiting from my hometown that week) and upstairs in our bedroom where I lock the door and call the police. The dispatcher and I were going into details about what happened when she informs me htat because we were in a different borough I have to call the police there. Meanwhile I hear my husband downstairs telling my mother that he was sorry for the way he is behaving but she is going to have to take me back to Chicago where my family is from and bury me if I call the police. She is shocked as she has no idea what is going on.


He is banging on the door and calling me all sorts of names. I was heated. I called the police over in the other borough but they tell me to come in and file a report. My husband took my keys and left so I had no way to get there. I do not live on a busline and had no relatives close by. I am crying, my mother comes in the room, chocked at what has just happened. I finally got the strength to explain what happened. My brother in law flies over to our house from Queens. Apparently my husband must have told him that I was going to have him locked up and deported.

All of his family is calling me and syaing that he was wrong for what he did but I should just calm down before I do anything "irrational". Everyone is saying "let me know if you need anything" knowing full and well that I needed a ride to the police station and to get my finger stitched at the hospital but no one is really supporting me, they are all rallying around my husband...even though they know he was wrong for hurting me. My mother and his mother talk. My mother expresses her shock and disappointment and fear for me. I don't know what his mother said but I know she said something like "him must be stressed out." As if I was not stressed either. I am the only one with an income right now and I am in debt up to my eyeballs thanks to him.

I take the phone off the hook and ask my brother in law to leave. I just wanted to be alone with my son and my mother. Mama told me that it does not make any sense to have him locked up and deported because if he is in Jamaica he will not get to see his son and it will be hard to get any money if at all from him. So I did not report him to the police but I called a divorce attorney I know who documented the abuse. We spent the rest of the afternoon just trying to get over what happened in the morning. Later that evening my husband calls. He tells me he is sorry for the way he behaved and that he should have never done what he did. I did not give a rat's [censored] as I was still [censored].


It has been three weeks since this happened. He has been super nice to me, trying to kiss [censored] and make up for his worngs, but I still behave in a cold manner towards him. I go to bed with my son beside me and a barrage of pillows next to him on the other end and the morning I wake up and see his father next to him like we are this happy family unit. I just want to stab him in his sleep! I love him but in my heart there is no more strength to continue this marriage.

Today, I gave him the option of giving me a divorce now or waiting until he gets his green card, but one way or another I want to be over this. He is telling me that he is really sorry and embarrassed of how he behaved and that he is still in love with me and to give our relationship time. His family do not want us to divorce. I think they are afraid I will take Jordan away, and also my husband will not be as stable without me. My parents will not give an opinion as they have always encouraged me to make my own decisions. I think they want to see us work it out for our son's sake but if he continues the verbal and physical abuse they would want me out. What do you all think? Will this encourage him to change his ways? Or should I just quit while I am ahead? </div></div>

what a wicked woman? a Angel an Beenie story dis? [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/704555_dwl.gif[/img]

use paper fe bait de man. den provoke de man to wrath wid cheating and document abuse fe win divorce an get money.

Divorce peacefully and leave the man with his money, also give him his son. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/laugh.gif[/img]

wait! me think yu finger mashup? how you a write so much?

[tuffstuff]

Re: I would like some opinions

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mrs. MarieK</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: tuffstuff</div><div class="ubbcode-body">wowwowwowwowow!!! DAMMMmmmmmmmm!!!

Ahm wah the question, divorce now or later? That yu asking. So wat you getting out of this union Debs? Love- hmm not so much, Sex- ahm vomitous, Support- to help you spend you hard earned $$, Praise- oh at elast yu provide car fi him drive round in, fatty, self improvement- one less finger mean easier manicure?

sound like him best trait is parenting. so deal wid dat and done. bump the love part fi now, cause you will always doubt if him doing it for you or the green card. Face that truth!

At this stage oonu nuh need fi pretend fi be lovers. Mek him know dat yu wont stand ina the way of the green card, that will be your charitable donation. But you have certain thing yu need him fi do from now to then. ANd just list them to him and know they will be provided- he need to care for the child period. It might mean that him move to him mommy where him can get all the oxtail an rice an peas him want, or it mite mean a nex bedroom (or couch), but cease the facade and start try live yu life mygirl.

'Every mickle make a muckle' is the expression you was hunting for. I guess everybody here saying that him likkle $50 nuh mean nutn, but dont focus on the mickle or the muckle (the money )- he is still you childs father, and your child needs him. Keep him in the child's life, but open yours up for happiniss.

It nuh pretty, but you haffi deal wid di deck yu have. </div></div>

yuh nuh hear di ooman seh she italian hwo yuh spec har fi undastan all a disya </div></div>

she know she can call yu fi translation [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/704555_dwl.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/704555_dwl.gif[/img] i bet yu she more dah undastan. hummuch yu want bet?

[Suesumba]

Re: I would like some opinions

i hear you on his being a *good father* thing. but he'll need to be totally removed from Debs home in order for him to do that, so i'll backtrack there. he can't be under the same roof. no way no how is he a good father being the way he is now.